All we need to overcome is already within us
Mitch is a wildly private man, fearful of expressing almost anything. In our Donovan Tuesday Circle, he hides in his notebook in which he takes notes with his blue and red pens so that he doesn’t have to speak.
In his communication class last week, Mitch got up in front of the class to deliver a short, prepared speech.
He started: “Hi. My name is Mitch.”
After that, nothing. He froze. He couldn’t speak another word; the structure given to him was gone; his mind was blank.
From here, I offer you two scenarios:
In the first, Jordi, feeling the pang of Mitch’s failure, swoops in and helps him. Jordi goes on stage with Mitch, puts his arm around him and says “You’ve got this. Now, present this next section of the structure.” With Jordi’s step-by-step guidance, Mitch completes the speech.
For the second, Mitch’s class members, including Jordi, silently hold space while Mitch tries to find his words. In that space, Mitch recognizes that, by introducing himself in front of a crowd, he’s reached a newfound public speaking ability.
Which of these two scenarios depicts Mitch’s greatest success?
Most of us define Mitch completing his speech as success. He delivered the assigned speech. This outcome-focused definition of success is what drives us, like Jordi, to swoop in and save people who are struggling, hurting or failing.
And yet, the one failing is … us! We fail to recognize that we labeled the observed inaction as failure and failure as bad and to be avoided.
We also fail to understand that, in the words of a client relating her own story, also last week: “It’s not at all about me helping them… it’s about me trying to alleviate my pain in watching this person.”
Plus, if Jordi had stepped in (because, in actuality, he didn’t, though he really wanted to), Mitch would have relied on Jordi instead of himself and been robbed of all the learnings, insights, confidence and gifts he actually gained.
In saying even only his name in front of his classmates, Mitch achieved something he had not been able to do before. As he sat in the discomfort of the struggle, he learned to tap into his inner resourcefulness and speak in front of a crowd. At the end of our conversation about this, Mitch beamed as he expressed the increased confidence he now has to engage with the next public speaking step.
This is unimaginable growth for a man who’s spent most of the last eight months in our Circle hiding inside his notebook. And this growth is his greatest success.
Invitation to bring this into your life: Next time you feel that someone is failing, take a deep breath, resist the urge to step in to save them and, instead, hold space for them to find their own inner resourcefulness; all they need is already within them. Recognize what resisting the urge to help asks of you; yes, this is the invitation to your own growth. Then, like Jordi, celebrate the person’s success in overcoming – whatever the outcome – as well as your own success in overcoming the urge.