Rebuilding the burnt bridge of trust
In most relationships, we seek ever greater rapport and trust. A series of events this month got me thinking about how quickly we can rebuild trust when it’s been damaged, and its impact on the affinity felt. And how, for once, it’s actually within our control.
First, what builds trust in a relationship? This actually has a one-sentence answer: My trust for you grows when I am uplifted into my brilliance. Specifically, this looks like
Honoring and respecting my boundaries – meaning my desires, my needs, my values, my thoughts, my words, etc. – no matter what
Communicating your needs, desires and boundaries clearly and wholesomely. This gives me clear guidance and reduces possible ambiguity and subsequent assumptions (another relationship killer, right there)
Taking responsibility when boundaries are broken (because the more intimate the relationship, the more often this happens). This tender communication is best done with openness, humility, remorse and transparency, moving through the points below. It is not justification for or explanation of what happened
Exhibiting these behaviors towards others. When I observe this, it increases my trust towards you
Two people, in the same timeframe, broke trust by disrespecting important boundaries; they both “lost trust points,” for lack of better verbiage.
The difference between them came in their response. One came back towards me and
Recognized that he had overstepped a boundary
Expressed understanding and remorse for the hurt created
Shared how he intended to change his actions in the future
Asked for forgiveness
The second person did not.
I feel the difference in openness and trust I now have for these two folks. While the first person’s initial actions were technically more degrading and demeaning, it is reconciled and behind me, thanks to his expression of understanding and apology. For the second, I don’t yet fully trust that he’s understood and will do his best to avoid this overstep in the future. Therefore, it’s harder to be open.
As for the rest of us:
The more I trust, the closer in I allow a person.
The less I trust, the further away I keep a person.
Therefore, we achieve greater closeness and intimacy in a relationship by increasing the trust the other person feels towards us. And, lucky for us, building this trustworthiness is within our control and is done through the steps above.
Enjoy building greater trust and rapport in your relationships. At home, at work, at the grocery store.