Focused on the negative

The other day, I read a YouTube comment in which a person shared a very personal story of trauma.  There were well over 20 replies to this comment, filled with support and love.  There was also one person who had replied “really?”.  Instead of receiving and basking in the generous support of the 20+ positive replies, the commenter zeroed in on the one cryptic “really?” and attacked this person.  She to date has not replied to or engaged with any of the positive replies.

How often do we do the exact same thing?  We are surrounded by positive moments, actions and people.  But the instant that one detail – big or small – triggers us, we lose sight of all of the surrounding goodness.  We are hurt.  We get worked up.  And we create our own misery…. Ouch…. And yet, we all do it.

It’s so easy in these times to see the negative, especially considering the constant reminders the media and any trip to the grocery store provide.  Can we remind ourselves of the positives?

In every moment, we have a choice on what to focus.  As I learned from the residents inside (story in first video below), I choose to focus on hope and my surrounding goodness.

Donovan news

One source of joy is that four months – to the day! – after our last interaction inside Donovan, we sent our first program packet to our Donovan-based Brilliance Inside family.  We have revamped our offering to engage with the residents through written correspondence.  In this way, the team will finish the study guide to “Writing After Life” that they started in February.  In addition to the joy of finally interacting on a regular basis, this season offers an opportunity to create something new.  We’ll see what ideas the team comes back with…

Another hope-creating celebration:  Despite the wild spread of covid in many California prisons, Donovan had its first case only two weeks ago and still has only two cases.  Yes, only TWO cases of covid among 3800ish residents! It’s amazing since most Donovan residents have preexisting conditions.  Thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers of protection and health on this space that houses so many highly vulnerable people.

Enjoy the many stories from inside prison walls – from our own to North Carolina’s death row – which you’ll find below.  Until next month, remember that – just like the residents – you are loved, and you matter.

Combatting racism

“When nobody cares about you and the people who are supposed to care deliberated hurt you, it is hard to care about others.  And when you feel no connection to humanity, it becomes easy to lash out at it.”

Many of you heard these words at the 2018 TEDxDonovanCorrectional.  They – as well as the countless other residents’ stories – illustrate the downward spiral:  Initial abandonment and trauma fester into a disconnection from humanity which fuels the residents’ violent actions and criminal behavior.

For my Rotary Peace Fellowship earlier this year, I analyzed the structural, cultural and personal violence of our prison residents’ environment, starting in childhood.  It’s pervasive and continuous, before, during and after prison. (Discover the exert here.)

This disconnection from humanity doesn’t only explain criminal behavior.  It is also the underpinning of the systemic racism, patriarchy and discrimination of our society at large.  (If any are squirming in discomfort, please honor yourself by being with your feelings and read on.)

The current murders and protests have brought to the surface and placed in our faces the suppressed hurt and trauma.  When we look past our own hurt, we see that a lot of people, across the entire struggle, have been hurt, have felt degraded and wronged.  And a lot of those same people have taken hurtful action, as well as degraded and wronged another.  This is the cycle of hurt in which we’re stuck.  And as long as we continue to allow our past hurt to dictate our future actions, this vicious cycle deepens.

As much as prison taught us about disconnection from humanity, prison also unveiled that there exists another way.  The solution to healing our society’s cycle of violence is as simple as reconnecting with humanity.

More than our skin color and socioeconomics can separate us, in prison, we’re brought together by our common humanity, our desire to impact this world and our commitment to becoming even greater human beings than we already are.  We recognize that we're more powerful together than we are separate.

What can this do for society?

First, it creates the obvious healing and transformation of individuals.  Most of you on this list have personally experienced the ensuing peace, joy and laughter.

It also creates unimaginable results that most businesses or organizations can only dream of.  In only five months, the Core Team became the cohesive, innovative and engaged team that put on a TEDx event that was deemed perfection by its 100 outside attendees (as surveyed by TED; we received an NPS of unprecedented 100, for those who know the Net Promoter Score).

It snowballed into a cultural revolution.  Those of you at the 2017 TEDx event were witness to the Core Team's embrace during the Closing Circle, pictured above.  Yes, a spontaneous group hug among multi-racial tough guy prison residents in front of their peers!  Under usual circumstances, this multiracial expression can risk getting people seriously hurt. 

This extended to the prison yard.  When we started working together, the Core Team could not meet or even acknowledge each other on the yard.  A year later, they were meeting cross-racially.  Our team of multi-racial tough guys were even hugging ON the yard!  Talk about a yard-wide cultural transformation…

THIS is what reconnection to humanity enables.

And it’s not only about treating others with the dignity, respect and love each of us human beings deserve.  It transforms families.  It transforms businesses.  It transforms institutions.  It transforms culture.  It transforms policing and government.

To take a small step right now, recognize that YOU have the power to change the world and read the first heading below.  Just this morning, I called Jennifer Duffy, the SDPD 911 dispatcher who spoke in 2018 about “Interpreting Others’ Realities”, to listen.  You’ll be amazed at the healing you create simply with your ears.

If this message of reconnection with humanity resonates, hit reply and tell us what inspires you.

The often overlooked first step to combat racism

Over the past week, I’ve seen many lists offer actions to take to “combat racism.” These lists include many very important actions. Yet, many of them miss a foundational first step.

This first step is available to each of us right here, right now.  And it works in response to the current events, just as much as with your work colleagues, your spouse and kids at home, and dare I say yourself.

Sustainable powerful transformation stems from this first step.  And yet it’s often overlooked as insignificant, not powerful enough. 

This starting point is…

to listen.

Be curious, with openness and non-judgment, to all perspectives.

Create a space to hear what’s actually being said.

Enable what John Paul Lederach calls paradoxical curiosity, which “seeks something beyond what is visible, something that holds apparently contradictory and even violently opposed social energies together.”

In this type of deep listening, there is no need to fix.  No place for condemnation or guilt about yourself or other.

In our action-addicted world, this often doesn’t feel like enough.  But it is!!  Here’s why.

  • People crave to be heard.  I cannot speak for the looters, but I’m going to venture a guess that most of them are breaking because they’re tired of being silenced, ignored, deemed irrelevant.  By listening, we finally give them a space to express themselves. From my prison experience, this replaces the need to express themselves by breaking

  • By listening, we discern our accurate assumptions, perceptions and beliefs and those erroneous.  It molds the realities of our mind to better reflect the realities of our world.

  • In listening, we learn the true needs of the other.  We’re able to probe behind the first expressed superficial need to get to the real core need, the underlying driver of behavior.

  • Listening creates understanding, dialogue, relationship and therefore connection.  The other is no longer distant or separate.  My choices and decisions now include these people who used to be outside of my awareness

  • Through listening, when we believe we got it, we listen some more to learn the deeper nuances, those that can make all the difference between success and failure

  • From this deeper truth, when we do step into action, it becomes straightforward to alleviate or even undo the harm that was caused

Your action actually addresses the real problem.

With this deep curious listening, our anger – which used to fuel violence – now fuels our compassion.

This reconnects our humanity. Which in turn heals our society’s cycle of violence

Because once reconnected to humanity, it becomes nearly impossible to hurt another.

Invitation: Sit down with a loved one.  Commit to them that you’re going to listen without interruption.  Ask them to share a story when they felt discriminated.  Listen.  Fully.  And when they’re done, thank them for their courage in sharing.

This is part of a series. I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. In April, I provided a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Since then, these lessons have been weekly. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

Quote from John Paul Lederach’s The Moral Imagination: The Art and Soul of Building Peace 

I am no different than that police officer
Thrive while confined.png

“I’m white. This is not my story.” Heard about the current protests over the killing of George Floyd.

As I see it, it’s this story - that it’s not our story - that underlies these protests. Some people feel separate from the current events, that the killing of George Floyd doesn’t affect them, that the protests aren’t about them, that this pain, hurt and anger expressed right now are not theirs, that they are separate from these.

I believe the exact opposite.

This IS our story!!!!! Regardless of how we define and label ourselves! It’s the story of our humanity.

In prison, the prison residents say “Our disconnection from humanity makes it easy to lash out at it.”

The events of Memorial Day weekend and since then are a result of our disconnection from humanity. People take actions thinking they are superior of another. They think that their thoughts, words and actions matter more than that of others.

Our disconnection from humanity is the problem that underlies our separation, our isolation and therefore the violence that exists towards one another.

The solution is simple: to reconnect with our humanity.

I go into maximum- and high-security prison, which houses a large number of black and brown men, who - if I generalize and stereotype - come from south central LA, dropped out of school, have addicted and abusive parents… They have not had the opportunities of a white woman with an Ivy League education and who calls several continents home. And yet, we’re able to connect, laugh at the lost in translation caused by our differences and recognize our similarities.

More than our skin color and socio-economic backgrounds can separate us, we’re brought together by our humanity, our love for each other and our commitment to becoming even greater human beings than we already are.

On my team, there are folks from different gangs who have vowed to kill each other. And yet they are able to see the humanity of the other person and to recognize that they are so much more powerful together than they are separate.

It’s time that we move past this disconnection from humanity. And move into recognizing that we are no different than the other person!

I am no different than that violent protester. I am no different than that peaceful protester.

I am no different than George Floyd. I am no different than that police officer.

How can I hold them in my heart? And recognize that they are a mirror to a part of me that I likely don’t like seeing?

How do I use this anger to fuel my compassion instead of my violence?

Invitation: Recognize the humanity in each of us. And this dissolves the disconnection from humanity. And it becomes impossible to lash out at others.

This is part of a series. I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. In April, I provided a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Since then, these lessons have been weekly. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

Create win/wins as economy opens up
Thrive while confined.png

As the world starts opening back up, it creates yet again new circumstances that continue to fluctuate and be quite uncertain. This fluctuating environment means our needs, desires and boundaries fluctuate too.

And, when we engage with other people, we’re confronted with their needs, desires and boundaries. In these confrontations, the best outcomes come when I respect my own boundaries while I respect others’ as well.

Thanks Cynthia for your compassionate teaching of Conflict Resolution

Thanks Cynthia for your compassionate teaching of Conflict Resolution

This is beautifully depicted in a graphic used by Cynthia in our Conflict Resolution program. On it, you’ll find that the

  • Turtle avoids conflict and tension and hereby creates lose/lose situations

  • Accommodating teddy bear is trampled on, creating a lose/win

  • Competitive shark grabs all for him or herself, leaving nothing for others

It’s the other two animals who are interesting today.

So often, we believe that the resolution to conflicting needs is to be the compromising fox who gives away some of things that matter to it to to keep some for itself. Any yet, this leads to a suboptimal outcome. You’ll notice that on the graphic the fox is NOT at 100% of one’s needs or 100% of another’s.

So, can we be the wise owl in these confronting situations?

Can we approach a situation knowing and trusting that there is an outcome that maximizes my desires and maximizes another’s desires? This usually creates a higher common ground that is way more power than either person had initially imagined.

As I’m currently moving in with my boyfriend, I have a number of examples from the past few days. We're currently taking two different spaces and creating one. And each of us has very different ways of filling and using our spaces. So, we start the process by each taking the time to recognize and articulate what most matters to us and what we want to see in a space. From here, we explore ways to mesh these two different ideas and visions. In several situations, the resulting space may look very different than what we had initially imagined; it’s also much cooler and more representative of who we are, individually and together.

This usually requires holding tension between different ideas because the optimal outcome doesn’t usually pop in immediately. But if you’re able to hold that tension as you figure out how your ideas can coexist, how to move all the pieces to make them fit together, you might come out with something way more magical than you had imagined.

Enjoy. Have fun. Experiment. And always remember to be compassionate with yourself and everyone around you, especially as we work through these constantly changing times.

Invitation: Have the courage to respect your boundaries while you respect the boundaries of others. You will find outcomes that are more powerful than you had originally anticipated.

This is part of a series. I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. In April, I provided a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Since then, these lessons have been weekly. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

Quarantine reading, watching and listening materials

Thank you to each of you who have provided your support to Brilliance Inside during this time of transition.  (For those of you interested, meet us here and thank you in advance!)

We hope you continue to transform and thrive in your own lives, your work, with your families, trusting that this ultimately transforms your communities.  This is the ripple effect we see from our work and we know it applies to us outside of prison just as much as it applies to the prison residents.

Our greatest hope is that you see, in this season, an incredible opportunity to create the change you wish to see.  If our Donovan friends have taught us anything, it's that everysituation - no matter how extreme - can be a reason to be defeated and deflated or a reason to rise up, learn and transform.

Therefore, our intent is for these monthly emails to be a continued source of inspiration and community. For anyone who struggles seeing the light instead of the darkness, know that you are completely loved, supported and cared for.

Also, the Brilliance Inside team shares below its reading list of thought-provoking and inspiring books written by prison residents or about prison.  In addition to the continuing lessons from the world's leading experts in confinement, these books carry a wealth of insights for us to implement in this season.

Third, feel free to reach out if a conversation is the greatest source of support right now.  Replies to this email come directly to me, Mariette.

Finally, a bit of news from the inside, as we remain connected to the Donovan community and receive regular updates.  As of last week, no Donovan resident had contracted covid.  And the one staff who has, has been working from home for weeks.  We honor the staff and custody who are walking the tight-rope between keeping every person physically safe and ensuring their emotional, psychological and spiritual well-being.  Not an easy balance to strike...

As I release you to the resources, inspiration and ideas below, each of us at Brilliance Inside wish you get another brilliant month of growth, transformation and new creations.

The Brilliance Inside quarantine reading list

  1. Inside This Place, Not Of It: Narratives from Women’s Prisons edited by Robin Levi and Ayelet Waldman

  2. Trafficking the Good Life by Jennifer Myers (a Brilliance Inside volunteer)

  3. Writing After Life: Stories from Those Who Served a Life Sentence edited by Leslie Willis (a Brilliance Inside volunteer)

  4. Felon: Poems by Reginald Dwayne Betts

  5. Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption by Bryan Stevenson (There's a movie too!)

  6. The Sun Does Shine: How I Found Life and Freedom on Death Row by Anthony Ray Hinton

  7. I Am Susan Burton: From Prison to Recovery to Leading the Fight for Incarcerated Women by Susan Burton

  8. Solitary by Albert Woodfox

  9. Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

  10. No Future without Forgiveness by Desmond Tutu

  11. Barking to the Choir: The Power of Radical Kinship by Father Greg Boyle

  12. Locked In: The True Causes of Mass Incarceration and How to Achieve Real Reform by John Pfaff

One key to thriving
Thrive while confined.png

When asked how they survive and then thrive their decades of confinement, prison residents’ answers come down to one word: hope.

Something happens in their lives that gives them hope for the future. When they had none.

One of countless stories involves a resident sentenced to 35 years to life. Presumably a violent gang leader before his incarceration, he had told his family “This is my lifestyle. I will never change. Accept me with my destructive lifestyle. Or forget me.”

Decades into his incarceration, he received a photo that changed everything.

His grandmother was the only family member with whom he felt connected. On her deathbed, his grandmother asked her surrounding family for something to write on. They found a napkin on which she wrote

We love you Steve.

In the photo, we see Steve’s grandmother holding up this paper napkin love note, surrounded with a few family members.

When Steve saw this photo, he realized that he was loved and he did matter. In this, he found hope. And this marked the beginning of his journey of his transformation. Not only did he transform himself, he became a mentor to many people on the prison yard. Several have told me “I owe my life to him. I am who I am today thanks to his support.”

It all started because this tiny moment, this simple photo, provided hope.

So, as you may be struggling through this current challenge, what’s carrying you? What’s giving you hope?

What gives me hope? I truly believe that all of this is happening for our greater good. As we move through this season and come out the other side, we will be stronger, more connected, better. This gives me hope. When I get frustrated and when I find it difficult, I rest in the fact that I grow through this challenge. And this gives me the courage to follow through with what I’m doing.

Invitation: Now it’s your turn. What gives you hope in this season? What can you hold on to? What are you going to do to remind yourself of this when things get tough, frustrating or too much? Plus, how can you help create hope for those around you? Enjoy experimenting.

(As always, all names are changed.)

This is part of a series. I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. In April, I provided a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Since then, these lessons have been weekly. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.