We have all experienced it.  The uneasy feeling that creeps up when we don’t feel fully safe.  Maybe it’s due to an abrasive comment from someone, or anger from a spouse, or being a dark alley, or finding our way in a new country.

Our senses are heightened, our bodies tenser, ready to pounce or defend ourselves at any possible danger.  These sensations signal us to steer clear.  But do they always signal danger?

How about those moments when the fear experienced is a fear of what is best for us, a fear of what we want most, a fear and resistance to our greatest desires, a fear of our highest potential?

This month, we learn again from Mitch and Jordi, in two separate moments that highlight this possibility.



One day, Mitch shared that, every time he arrives in our circle, he feels his chest constrict.  That was a surprise.  People associate our space with ease, openness, nonjudgment, freedom, peace, joy…  And chest constriction is a sign of misalignment, of an activated defense mechanism, that Mitch feels unsafe in some way and his fight or flight response is triggered.

We gently got curious: “What’s causing the constriction?” (Fully expecting some negative reason)

After a minute or so of contemplation, Mitch said “This circle is so safe, and I’ve never experienced a safe space before this one.”

He continued “Though I want this safety, it’s not normal for me and I don’t know how to act.”

How ironic.  It was the safety of our space that was triggering Mitch.

A couple weeks ago, Jordi was transferred from the higher-security yard to the lower one. Moving to a lower-security yard is a big deal.  First, it recognizes the positive change in the resident’s lifestyle.  Second, freedom increases significantly with each step down in security.

Five days after his transfer, I saw Jordi on the new yard.  This usually self-assured, driven, competent, adaptable man looked lost and confused.  He expressed fear to even come out of his cell.

“I’m freaked out by the level of freedom here,” Jordi told us.

In prison, freedom is the holy grail.  And now, Jordi had significantly greater liberties, and he was balking!

He told us stories of waiting – for entire minutes, mind you – at various doors, expecting staff to unlock them, not even realizing that the doors were unlocked.  Having come from a yard where there is no freedom of movement without correctional staff, he was disoriented by his ability to move freely all day without needing permission.  

Similarly to Mitch, Jordi freaked out as he achieved the next milestone of his greatest desire.

Both of these stories provide gentle reminders that

• Anything new is, by definition, unknown

• Our inner mechanisms treat the unknown as unsafe

• What’s unsafe can quickly be interpreted as scary

• We tend to shy away from and avoid what we’ve interpreted as scary

And yet, sometimes, the unknown is actually an invitation to lean in.  It leads us into what we most crave, what we’ve been dreaming of for years, what lifts us up into our highest potential.

Where have you avoided your highest potential – your brilliance – because you’ve been held back by the fear of this unknown?

You have a choice:  Take a moment to recognize and discern the times your fear protects you from harm and the times it’s actually keeping you small, away from your greatest heart’s desires.  Choose to step into the unknown in the face of this fear; that is the definition of courage.

The third question in a conversation last Tuesday at Donovan was "Which is more true for you: that fighting serves you or that it doesn’t serve you?"

Andy answered, “I want to say that it doesn’t serve me.  But I can see how it still does.”

This response makes complete sense.  Think about all the times you’ve berated yourself for doing a behavior you can’t seem to be able to change: biting your nails, filling your calendar with boundless activity, accommodating another person’s needs when it doesn’t suit you, having one too many drinks… The list is almost endless.

 The answer to this dynamic is simple – and transformational when implemented.

I give you the punch line upfront: To successfully change a behavior, do not change the behavior.

Yup.  To successfully change a behavior, change the thoughts, beliefs and emotions that underlie that behavior.  And then, those undesired behaviors dissolve.

Let’s go back to Andy to understand.

First, know that, as a child, Andy saw her parents resolve misunderstandings with fights.  Her parents told Andy to handle problems with classmates with fists.  Fighting was the normalized response during Andy’s entire childhood.

First question:  How does fighting serve you?

You see, if we act in a certain way, it means two things:

1. When we started this behavior, it was an intelligent response to the circumstances

2. Somehow this behavior still serves us in some way today

For Andy, fighting provided protection and gave her a semblance of control.  These are intelligent reasons to fight.  (Yes, I know, there are other ways to achieve these results but, remember, Little Andy was never exposed to those.) And, unsurprisingly, these are also the reasons Andy expressed continuing to fight today.

Why does the fighting response continue?  First, with decades of practice, it’s automated and habitual.

Also, it still answers to a need.  Andy fights to feel protected.  

Until Andy uncovers and develops other ways to feel protected, fighting will still be the default response.

And that was Andy’s “homework” over this past week (and, as you read this newsletter, I’m back inside Donovan learning how she’s moved through it): to explore and identify other ways she can feel protected.

Over the next few weeks – if she follows a similar path as many folks in our spaces – Andy will learn to feel protected in other ways, start using these new tools and, without even trying to not fight, she will no longer fight.  Because fighting will no longer serve her.  She will feel protected through those other means.

You have a choice: So often, we address the problem from the wrong end and tackle the behavior directly.  To successfully change a behavior, do not change the behavior.  Instead, use this series of questions and actions:

1. How does this behavior serve you?

2. How does this behavior not serve you?

3. Which is more true for you right now, that this behavior serves or doesn’t serve you? (Be careful to recognize the honest and truthful answer, not the “right” and “acceptable” answer.)

4. If it honestly and truthfully doesn’t serve, then stand in the reasons you identified in question 2 and allow those beliefs to change the behavior

5. If it honestly and truthfully serves, then accept this and the behavior with it

6. If you want it to no longer serve but still see all the ways it does, like Andy, recognize that this behavior is an intelligent response to a need.  Find other ways to answer to that need and the behavior will dissolve

Last month, I had written the newsletter, selected the photo and added the gratitude piece.  I’d laid it all out in the system and had scheduled it for Tuesday morning – it was done and ready to go. I had even crossed it out on my to-do list.

And Monday evening, I felt the nudge: “Rewrite it.”  It wasn’t about changing the topic or that anything was wrong with it.  Simply, “rewrite it.”

Argh!  Why would I start over something that was done and good as it was?  It felt like a waste of time.  I wanted to keep it where it was, behind me.  I was supposed to be preparing dinner.  I’d already put a lot of time in the newsletter.  And my heart had poured into it.

And yet… “rewrite it.”

Knowing that this little voice deep inside was speaking my greater truth, I took a deep breath, pressed “mute” on all the parts of me wanting to move on, opened a blank Word document and started writing…again.

Yes, listening to and acting upon that little voice deep inside is simpler to write than to do.  It takes courage.  To start over something that is done, to go left when we believe we’re heading right.  It takes trust that it’s always guiding us towards our brighter light.  Even before these, it takes discernment to hear that little nudge amidst the commotion of our daily lives. 

In the whole scheme of things, rewriting a newsletter doesn’t feel like a big deal.  But how about when that little voice is throwing a wild curve ball to your life?  Like – and all of these are real people’s journeys – quit your 20+-year-long job out of the blue with nothing lined up.  Like, take the job at the antithesis of the criteria defined with your spouse.  Like, leave your spouse of three decades and the mother of your three kids.  Like, go to prison when you’re in a comfortable corporate job (yup, this one is mine).  Like, stay with someone who many people see as incompatible.

Are you willing to listen and take action then?  When everything in you is screaming to go the other way?

If you are – and you choose to walk through the door of the unknown – you will discover a version of yourself brighter than you ever knew possible.

In the space created by the job-quitter, she developed new relationships with her kids.  The journey of the antithesis job-taker led to the gifts he had hoped to enable for his wife, in the most unexpected way.  The divorcee uncovered a new drive and reconfigured his work, leading to a multiplication of revenue.  The “go-to-prison”-er created TEDx events that led to such transformational change on the yard that several new doors have opened to bring this work to new environments.  The incompatible couple found where they stand together and is wildly content and thriving.

You have a choice:  Listen to those nudges.  Act upon them.  Especially when they terrify you.  You’ll be mesmerized by what gets created in your life.  Even when it’s “only” deeply moving responses to a newly rewritten monthly newsletter.

PLUS: An update on Mitch

Last month, I wrote about Mitch freezing after saying only his name in communication class and the subsequent celebration of him having "reached a newfound public speaking ability."

As our team trickled in the following Tuesday (the one on which you received the newsletter), Jordi came into our room wildly excited.  “Mitch absolutely killed it yesterday in communication class.  He won the debate!  He worked hard on structuring his argument, looked confident and prepared, was able to anticipate a rebuttal and extinguished it before it happened, and blasted right through a conflict and tough spot.”  (I took notes to get this as verbatim as possible for you.)

Mitch had tapped into that “inner resourcefulness” part of him.  He said “I felt confident. It felt good to accomplish this. I enjoy growing in this positive way.”  I thought he had been beaming the previous week.  That second week, he achieved yet another level of beaming-ness.

Mitch is a wildly private man, fearful of expressing almost anything.  In our Donovan Tuesday Circle, he hides in his notebook in which he takes notes with his blue and red pens so that he doesn’t have to speak.

In his communication class last week, Mitch got up in front of the class to deliver a short, prepared speech.

He started: “Hi.  My name is Mitch.”

After that, nothing.  He froze.  He couldn’t speak another word; the structure given to him was gone; his mind was blank.

From here, I offer you two scenarios:

In the first, Jordi, feeling the pang of Mitch’s failure, swoops in and helps him.  Jordi goes on stage with Mitch, puts his arm around him and says “You’ve got this.  Now, present this next section of the structure.” With Jordi’s step-by-step guidance, Mitch completes the speech.

For the second, Mitch’s class members, including Jordi, silently hold space while Mitch tries to find his words.  In that space, Mitch recognizes that, by introducing himself in front of a crowd, he’s reached a newfound public speaking ability.

Which of these two scenarios depicts Mitch’s greatest success?

Most of us define Mitch completing his speech as success.  He delivered the assigned speech.  This outcome-focused definition of success is what drives us, like Jordi, to swoop in and save people who are struggling, hurting or failing.

And yet, the one failing is … us!  We fail to recognize that we labeled the observed inaction as failure and failure as bad and to be avoided.

We also fail to understand that, in the words of a client relating her own story, also last week: “It’s not at all about me helping them… it’s about me trying to alleviate my pain in watching this person.”

Plus, if Jordi had stepped in (because, in actuality, he didn’t, though he really wanted to), Mitch would have relied on Jordi instead of himself and been robbed of all the learnings, insights, confidence and gifts he actually gained.

In saying even only his name in front of his classmates, Mitch achieved something he had not been able to do before.  As he sat in the discomfort of the struggle, he learned to tap into his inner resourcefulness and speak in front of a crowd.  At the end of our conversation about this, Mitch beamed as he expressed the increased confidence he now has to engage with the next public speaking step.

This is unimaginable growth for a man who’s spent most of the last eight months in our Circle hiding inside his notebook. And this growth is his greatest success.

Invitation to bring this into your life: Next time you feel that someone is failing, take a deep breath, resist the urge to step in to save them and, instead, hold space for them to find their own inner resourcefulness; all they need is already within them.  Recognize what resisting the urge to help asks of you; yes, this is the invitation to your own growth.  Then, like Jordi, celebrate the person’s success in overcoming – whatever the outcome – as well as your own success in overcoming the urge.

Coddiwomple is my brand new, favorite word.  It means to travel purposefully towards an as-yet-unknown destination.  One word to describe the most powerful and fulfilling way to live life.

“Travel.” It implies movement, activity, a journey.  There is no stagnation.

“Purposefully.”  With complete clarity and confidence.  Deeply intentional and committed to our purpose, we receive the insight and power to move through any perceived obstacle.  Grounded and strong, we are no longer being tossed around by the whims of life, like a leaf caught in the wind.

“Towards.”  There is always a direction:  either towards or away.  We consciously and deliberately choose for it to be towards.

“As-yet-unknown destination.”  This one is stickier.  Let’s first acknowledge the fears this brings up.  I mean, we’ve been educated and rewarded to define goals, to know our destination, to measure our success compared to these.

How can we get “there” if we don’t know where “there” is?

And yet, the magic and power is thanks to the “as-yet-unknown destination,” not despite it.  The you of today can simply not think or imagine what is possible for the you of tomorrow.  

Think about it: Did the you of 10 years ago ever imagine that you’d be where you are today?  For most of us, the answer is a resounding “no.”  The 10-years-ago you had no frame for much of what you’re experiencing today.  It was beyond your understanding and level of consciousness.

Your destination may be “as-yet-unknown” to you; it’s not unknown to your brilliance.  Your brilliance came into the world to become.  It’s pulling you forward towards who you’re called to be, what you’re called to do, where you’re called live and work. Can you trust you get “there” more boldly, more powerfully, more quickly, more completely, more easefully when you don’t predefine where “there” is?

You have a choice: (1) to predetermine your destination from your level of understanding and awareness today or (2) to fully commit to your brilliance and deeply, purposefully travel towards it, while trusting that it will guide you to an unimaginably transformative destination.

Brilliance Inside is expanding and I’m excited to share this with you.

A while back, Pete asked me: “When are people outside prison going to know the Mariette that the folks inside prison get to experience?”

We all, at times, need a gentle nudge to encourage us on our journey to brilliance.  Pete was inviting me to move into yet a higher, expanded – and more visible – version of myself.  I recognized the alignment within myself and stepped into this expansion.

With this expansion of self has come an expansion of Brilliance Inside.

In addition to the prison work you know well, Brilliance Inside has been bringing the transformational journey to brilliance to team leaders, entrepreneurs, retirees, empty nesters, moms, etc.

At its core, this expanded Brilliance Inside stays the same.  In all that I do, I stand for liberating our individual and collective brilliance – our essence, our spirit, our highest potential – so that we may (1) align with our purpose and have the greatest impact on our world and (2) move from incongruence and conflict to co-creation and harmony.

Over the past two years, I have mentored individuals to gain the clarity and confidence to finally create their hearts’ desires for work, home and life.  Successes such as the launch of a post-retirement nonprofit project, increased cohesion and collaboration on a work team and a new-found identity through divorce.

Typically, my clients struggle finding the way to bring their deep, burning desire to fruition without destroying the balance, relationships and existing success in their lives.  I guide them to resolve the tension between these seemingly opposing forces so they can have their greatest impact, in complete harmony with themselves and everyone around them.

This has always been what Brilliance Inside is all about.

When it comes to the prison work, nothing changes!

Donovan remains my laboratory for transformation, humanity and peace.  Every Tuesday, I spend eight hours inside Donovan, guiding our team members through our 9-month Brilliance curriculum on two different yards.  This curriculum creates a safe space to explore our brilliance and to journey through the seven ingredients of its liberation and expression.  The teams have also chosen to organize events, such as last November’s Ukraine support event.

Sharing this new development with you feels vulnerable and exciting all at once.  You have been incredibly loyal supporters for years.  I hope we continue to co-journey for many more years, as you continue to receive value through these monthly newsletters and if you ever choose to engage more deeply with your own journey of brilliance.  If it’s not obvious enough, nothing excites me more than this co-creation of brilliance.

Do you remember this guy?

Many of you will remember Billy.  You were there when he closed the first TEDxDonovanCorrectional event in May 2017.  Sweating bullets due to the intense heat we unexpectedly had that day, he delivered his TEDx talk “Rediscovering hope through self-forgiveness”.

What you may not know is that the talk you heard in person or online was only a fraction of his talk.  He unknowingly skipped about ¼ of it.  After speaking of his brother’s murder in retaliation for Billy’s actions and Billy’s subsequent murdering of Jimmy, he was supposed to speak about the accidental death of his beloved cousin Yohun.  The two of them were sitting on their grandmother’s porch and Billy was spinning a gun on his finger.  The gun went off and the bullet killed Yohun, who died in Billy’s arms.  With the death of both his brother and his cousin, the need – and challenge – of self-forgiveness became apparent.

Billy didn’t realize he had skipped the part about Yohun until after the TEDx event.  I wondered how he was going to respond to this.  With anger and shame for having missed this important part and “dishonoring” the memory of Yohun?  With understanding and acceptance that it happened exactly as it was meant to?  Seeing what didn’t happen or seeing what did?

It wasn’t until the following Tuesday that I had a chance to speak to him about it.  Billy came up to me and said “Mariette, I skipped the part about Yohun.”  “I know.  What did you feel when you realized this?” Billy answered: “This is Yohun’s way of saying ‘it’s time to let go.’”

Oh wow.  Not only had Billy accepted the fact that he hadn’t delivered the talk he had been preparing for four months, he also received the insight from this miss.  Billy had seen that there is a gift in our challenges.  When things don’t go our way, we have a choice to see the lack in what didn’t happen or to see the abundance in what did.

Shortly after his TEDx talk, Billy was transferred to another prison.  Which, per prison rules, cut off any contact with him.  This is one of the hardest things about prison: the ripping apart of relationships that have been built over months and years, often without forewarning or ability to say good-bye.

As suddenly as he’d “disappeared,” Billy “reappeared” a few weeks ago – almost six years after I last saw him – after a judge resentenced him to the 33 years of time served with no parole.  Within days of his release, I had the privilege of getting a message from him.  Then a phone call.  Then FaceTime.  

My heart skipped a beat when I saw him.  I walk this funky tight rope of continuously holding many of the folks from our circle in my heart, while simultaneously releasing if or when I may see them ever again.  Any time my heart aches to know how they’re doing, I send them love, trusting they’re supported, right where they’re at.

I even had my first hug with Billy within a week, as I had a trip planned to LA.  The first hug is one of my favorite parts of the journey.  I finally get to express, with physical action, the pent-up care and love of years of relationship.

Billy also learned in our conversations that his talk has been seen online by over 146,000 people.  With the hindsight of six years, it’s easy to see the gifts received and created by Billy.  Billy’s strength was to see the gift in his “failure” of his incomplete delivery of his TEDx talk.

Invitation to bring this into your life: Next time you find yourself reeling from your “failure,” from “missing the mark,” from “how could I be so stupid” or any other form of self-condemnation and blame, invite yourself to see the abundance in what did happen instead of the lack in what didn’t.  The gift is there, even if you cannot see it right away.  Yes, this may require a bit of trust, but that trust weighs a lot less than self-destruction.