Others' hurt

I told you yesterday that, after hearing the phrase “Hurt people hurt people” during a Criminals & Gangmembers Anonymous program, I wanted to test the extend of its validity. So I started experimenting on myself. And I discovered that, when I was hurting others (usually by lashing out), I was deeply hurting inside of me.

Then came this thought: If this is true for me, maybe it’s true for other people too.

So I started looking at the times that I felt hurt by others…which also happened quite regularly.

In those times, I of course felt hurt, anger and even rage raise inside me. As much as I could, I would take a step to the side from my reactions, to turn my attention to what may be happening within the other person who had hurt me. (I’ll tell you: not an easy step to take!)

It turns out: the person that had hurt me was also deeply hurting. And I even hypothesized that the hurt they were feeling was even greater than the hurt they were creating in me.

Now, if this was true in my family life, my work life, with my friends, it might be true beyond this, with folks who have hurt people in terrible ways. Yes, I went there. I spoke with the prison residents. Same goes for them! When they committed violent acts, they were deeply hurting inside too!

Now, let’s clear, this does NOT justify ANY hurtful behavior - from “simple” lashing out, all the way to murder or rape! None of these actions are excused by this statement!

But, for me, it started explaining our hurtful actions. And from here, I started to learn how I wished to respond to these situations.

Again, I’ll pause here to give you the time and the space to engage with this idea:

If it’s true that - when I’m hurting people, I feel hurt - then how true is it that, when I am being hurt by others, they are hurting?

I’ll tell you from experience that it is usually tough to step away from the hurt, anger and frustration you may be feeling in the moment. That’s OK. Simply take time later to step back into the situation and see what was going on with other person. What can you see in them that might have been hurting in them? (More guidance and hints in the video.)

Invitation: Spend the day - or however long you need - to recognize, when a person hurts you, what may be going on with them as they are hurting you. This takes a lot of self-love and empathy, so be kind to yourself as you venture into this territory.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.