Caring for my hurt

Welcome to the third step on this journey that changed my way of seeing and living our relationships and interpersonal dynamics.

After Steps 1 and Step 2, I brought the awareness and experimentation back to myself.

As we said, I now knew that: When I lash out - my most common way of hurting others - I am hurting inside.

In this next step, I realized that what I needed most in that moment of hurting was a hug. And for me - maybe not for you - that meant a literal, physical hug.

Because, when I hurt, there’s a part of me that doesn’t feel seen, heard or acknowledged. Being hugged is the fastest way of healing that part of me that is saying that I am not valuable and don’t deserve to be seen and respected.

When I am able to give myself permission - in the moment of hurting - I give myself a real, physical hug. Feeling valued, that part of me that is hurting releases. And then, I am able to undo the behavior of hurting another. Actually, more and more often, I step into rectifying and even healing the situation.

After having proven the first lesson of “hurt people hurt people” in steps 1 and 2, this new learning “proved” (in Mariette’s self-experimentation) the validity of its corollary:

Healed people heal people.

If I want to provide rectification and healing to a situation, I first need to heal that part of me that is hurting inside.

This all takes a lot of courage. And I know you have this courage. Because if I have it, and the prison residents have it, and others around me have it, then you have it too. So embrace the courage to recognize what you need when you hurt. And then provide it to yourself!

What does it take for you to love that part of you?

Another vulnerable step after you’ve learned how to provide what you need to yourself: I told my partner that I most needed a hug when I was hurting inside. So - check this out! - when I hurt him (Yes, when I hurt him), he has the courage to come over and hug me, knowing it’s the fastest end to my hurt. As soon as he wraps his arms around me, I feel that piece of me that was raging just rest.

So this is the next step on this journey.

Invitation: When you recognize that a part of you is hurting, acknowledge that it’s only aching to be recognized, seen and heard and cared for… dare I say loved. So, provide the needed love to this part of you. And feel the whole of you release and rest.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.