Respectful arguments
A heated conversation - in which tensions are high and voices raise - is not the same as a hurtful conversation - in which I or others say and do things that come from or create hurt.
As we come together with our Core Team of prison residents to organize TEDx and other events inside prison (in which prison residents are the decision makers), we have our fair share of heated conversations, debates and decisions. While there can be significant heat in our Circle, these conversations also exhibit dignity and respect in each interaction.
One specific example came about two months after our first TEDx event; we had been working together as a team for about seven months. Because our prison resident team members make the decisions pertaining to our events, we put them in front of a decision impacting future events and their involvement in these with many possible options. Team members started getting very entrenched in their version of the right answer. The conversation increased in heat and tension to the point of boiling point. I had never been in a conversation with such differing opinions, such high tension, such raised voices; it felt explosive. And even though they were defending their point of view over the others, the residents never move to tactics of blaming, criticizing, belittling, dehumanization! Everything they said came from a place of dignity and respect, of themselves, of others and of all the ideas.
By doing so, the residents felt heard and understood, even with intense tone and volume. From here, they crafted a more powerful decision that reflected a common ground of everyone’s suggestions instead of having one idea overpower the others.
This mesmerized me for two reasons
Mildly stated, these folks are used to things going their way. And when things don’t go their way, their answer has been violence
I had never experienced this type of conversation - in which there’s heat but no hurt - either inside prison or outside prison
This is why these prison residents became examples for me, inspiring me to bring this quality into my decision making, my conversations, my debates.
Invitation: Next time you’re in a disagreement or argument, can you hold space for the heat and tension of this conversation and not fall into the default behavior of reacting from hurt? Instead, can you continue to treat yourself, others and all your ideas with dignity and respect?
This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.