Call a "safety" timeout

When a conversation starts to include or create hurt, it’s time to implement the steps described in the past four videos. But how do we do this when we’re fuming this anger and frustration, when everything in us is bubbling over and everyone is reacting with even more hurt and anger?

In this moment, what we most need is a break, a timeout, a pause, the space to go through the steps we talked through. In prison, as discussed in a previous video, we call a timeout and give the hurt party/ies time to dissect what what happening and to come back to balance.

At home, we call “Safety”. Yup, we have not gotten more creative than this; you feel free. As soon as we start feeling hurt in a conversation or activity, we call “Safety.” When Safety is called, our agreement is that we instantly stop what we’re saying or doing. So that we can create the space to heal the triggered hurt.

Here’s how it works for us: Our agreement was to call safety when we felt hurt. What actually ended up happening: When he felt hurt, Pete called safety. And when Pete felt Mariette felt hurt, he called safety. My calling “safety” muscle was not strong enough when I was upset. And when Pete would call safety, I sometimes wanted to rage more. How dare he interrupt me and shut me up?

But we had made an agreement and I knew it was for our good. So, I would take the time out, allowing myself to breath. And from there, I would be able to recognize, a little more calmly, what had just happened in me, what had been triggered, why I was hurting. And we’ve have a conversation about this. I’d recognize the hurt and take the time to heal it and, if relevant, Pete would consider possible shifts (if any) of the behaviors that had triggered me.

When we both felt whole and complete again with no more lingering hurt on either side, we’d go back to our previous conversation or activity. And we were able to reengage with it with calm, respect and laughter.

Since we’ve implemented this, we are calling safety less and less often because we’re not more aware of our respective hurt. And we’ve taken the time to heal the hurt each time, lessening its power and disturbance. Giving ourselves permission to take the timeout when safety is called has radically shifted how we engage with own hurt and healing, as well as with the other person whom we love.

Invitation: When a conversation or activity starts coming from hurt, call “safety” for ourselves and created the needed space to recognize the hurt and triggers, give them the care to release and heal and to come back to your conversation or activity from a place of wholeness with no linger pain. Be sure to set this agreement with your loved ones or team members prior to using this technique.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.