As the world starts opening back up, it creates yet again new circumstances that continue to fluctuate and be quite uncertain. This fluctuating environment means our needs, desires and boundaries fluctuate too.

And, when we engage with other people, we’re confronted with their needs, desires and boundaries. In these confrontations, the best outcomes come when I respect my own boundaries while I respect others’ as well.

Thanks Cynthia for your compassionate teaching of Conflict Resolution

This is beautifully depicted in a graphic used by Cynthia in our Conflict Resolution program. On it, you’ll find that the

• Turtle avoids conflict and tension and hereby creates lose/lose situations

• Accommodating teddy bear is trampled on, creating a lose/win

• Competitive shark grabs all for him or herself, leaving nothing for others

It’s the other two animals who are interesting today.

So often, we believe that the resolution to conflicting needs is to be the compromising fox who gives away some of things that matter to it to to keep some for itself. Any yet, this leads to a suboptimal outcome. You’ll notice that on the graphic the fox is NOT at 100% of one’s needs or 100% of another’s.

So, can we be the wise owl in these confronting situations?

Can we approach a situation knowing and trusting that there is an outcome that maximizes my desires and maximizes another’s desires? This usually creates a higher common ground that is way more power than either person had initially imagined.

As I’m currently moving in with my boyfriend, I have a number of examples from the past few days. We're currently taking two different spaces and creating one. And each of us has very different ways of filling and using our spaces. So, we start the process by each taking the time to recognize and articulate what most matters to us and what we want to see in a space. From here, we explore ways to mesh these two different ideas and visions. In several situations, the resulting space may look very different than what we had initially imagined; it’s also much cooler and more representative of who we are, individually and together.

This usually requires holding tension between different ideas because the optimal outcome doesn’t usually pop in immediately. But if you’re able to hold that tension as you figure out how your ideas can coexist, how to move all the pieces to make them fit together, you might come out with something way more magical than you had imagined.

Enjoy. Have fun. Experiment. And always remember to be compassionate with yourself and everyone around you, especially as we work through these constantly changing times.

Invitation: Have the courage to respect your boundaries while you respect the boundaries of others. You will find outcomes that are more powerful than you had originally anticipated.

This is part of a series. I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. In April, I provided a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Since then, these lessons have been weekly. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

Thank you to each of you who have provided your support to Brilliance Inside during this time of transition.  (For those of you interested, meet us here and thank you in advance!)

We hope you continue to transform and thrive in your own lives, your work, with your families, trusting that this ultimately transforms your communities.  This is the ripple effect we see from our work and we know it applies to us outside of prison just as much as it applies to the prison residents.

Our greatest hope is that you see, in this season, an incredible opportunity to create the change you wish to see.  If our Donovan friends have taught us anything, it's that everysituation - no matter how extreme - can be a reason to be defeated and deflated or a reason to rise up, learn and transform.

Therefore, our intent is for these monthly emails to be a continued source of inspiration and community. For anyone who struggles seeing the light instead of the darkness, know that you are completely loved, supported and cared for.

Also, the Brilliance Inside team shares below its reading list of thought-provoking and inspiring books written by prison residents or about prison.  In addition to the continuing lessons from the world's leading experts in confinement, these books carry a wealth of insights for us to implement in this season.

Third, feel free to reach out if a conversation is the greatest source of support right now.  Replies to this email come directly to me, Mariette.

Finally, a bit of news from the inside, as we remain connected to the Donovan community and receive regular updates.  As of last week, no Donovan resident had contracted covid.  And the one staff who has, has been working from home for weeks.  We honor the staff and custody who are walking the tight-rope between keeping every person physically safe and ensuring their emotional, psychological and spiritual well-being.  Not an easy balance to strike...

As I release you to the resources, inspiration and ideas below, each of us at Brilliance Inside wish you get another brilliant month of growth, transformation and new creations.

The Brilliance Inside quarantine reading list

1. Inside This Place, Not Of It: Narratives from Women’s Prisons edited by Robin Levi and Ayelet Waldman

2. Trafficking the Good Life by Jennifer Myers (a Brilliance Inside volunteer)

3. Writing After Life: Stories from Those Who Served a Life Sentence edited by Leslie Willis (a Brilliance Inside volunteer)

4. Felon: Poems by Reginald Dwayne Betts

5. Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption by Bryan Stevenson (There's a movie too!)

6. The Sun Does Shine: How I Found Life and Freedom on Death Row by Anthony Ray Hinton

7. I Am Susan Burton: From Prison to Recovery to Leading the Fight for Incarcerated Women by Susan Burton

8. Solitary by Albert Woodfox

9. Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

10. No Future without Forgiveness by Desmond Tutu

11. Barking to the Choir: The Power of Radical Kinship by Father Greg Boyle

12. Locked In: The True Causes of Mass Incarceration and How to Achieve Real Reform by John Pfaff

When asked how they survive and then thrive their decades of confinement, prison residents’ answers come down to one word: hope.

Something happens in their lives that gives them hope for the future. When they had none.

One of countless stories involves a resident sentenced to 35 years to life. Presumably a violent gang leader before his incarceration, he had told his family “This is my lifestyle. I will never change. Accept me with my destructive lifestyle. Or forget me.”

Decades into his incarceration, he received a photo that changed everything.

His grandmother was the only family member with whom he felt connected. On her deathbed, his grandmother asked her surrounding family for something to write on. They found a napkin on which she wrote

We love you Steve.

In the photo, we see Steve’s grandmother holding up this paper napkin love note, surrounded with a few family members.

When Steve saw this photo, he realized that he was loved and he did matter. In this, he found hope. And this marked the beginning of his journey of his transformation. Not only did he transform himself, he became a mentor to many people on the prison yard. Several have told me “I owe my life to him. I am who I am today thanks to his support.”

It all started because this tiny moment, this simple photo, provided hope.

So, as you may be struggling through this current challenge, what’s carrying you? What’s giving you hope?

What gives me hope? I truly believe that all of this is happening for our greater good. As we move through this season and come out the other side, we will be stronger, more connected, better. This gives me hope. When I get frustrated and when I find it difficult, I rest in the fact that I grow through this challenge. And this gives me the courage to follow through with what I’m doing.

Invitation: Now it’s your turn. What gives you hope in this season? What can you hold on to? What are you going to do to remind yourself of this when things get tough, frustrating or too much? Plus, how can you help create hope for those around you? Enjoy experimenting.

(As always, all names are changed.)

This is part of a series. I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. In April, I provided a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Since then, these lessons have been weekly. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

In prison, we’re not allowed to hug. Just like during this current confinement.

And yet, in prison, we have lived, with our teams, profound moments of celebration, grieving, connection, honoring, acknowledgement, tough transitions, joy of seeing each other, as well as of wishing well when we leave. Outside of prison, these would naturally be accompanied by a hug. But not in prison.

So, I’ve learned to hug without hugging.

I allow my heart to emit all the same care, support and love that I give when I hug someone. I allow my eyes to provide the same. All without the arms.

Having perfected this in prison, I realized that I’ve been hugging without hugging during this confinement and physical distancing season.

Our prison team also coined the term of “wug,” which stands for a word-hug. A wug is an extremely special experience we share to celebrate a person or all of us. It’s yet another way to hug without hugging.

We adapted to “hug” even within the constraints of not being able to hug. We found ways to share all of our care, support and love without the arms.

Now, find yours.

(Yes, physical touch is important - and I can go on for a while about this - but…) Don’t allow the current constraints to limit the power of your hugs.

Have fun hugging without hugging.

Invitation: Find your way of hugging without hugging. Use your heart, your eyes or other means to express the same care, support and love you do when you place your arms around that same person.

This is part of a series. I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. In April, I provided a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Since then, these lessons have been weekly. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

Our most creative, innovative and productive ideas come from rest.

Prison residents often use their times of extreme confinement towards this end. As lockdowns prevent them from engaging with most things outside of themselves, they use this time to assess: check in with what’s going on with them, what they need right now so that they may come back, when the door open up again, in full productivity.

Rest does not mean sipping a pina colada on the beach.

We can look at nature for an example of the value of rest. During the summer, nature is in full production mode, providing fruits and vegetables to a bunch of animals and ourselves. During the winter, nature goes into quiet, dormancy, hibernation. While it may look that not much happens on the outside, a lot can be happening on the inside to gather the forces that allow it to produce another year of supply of produce again.

Most of us don’t give ourselves enough space and time to rest.

There’s sleep that provides daily rest and a ton of research shows the value of rest.

And just like winter, there are also seasons of rest. And this season may be just this for some of you. If so, take the time to rest, to assess, to rejuvenate, to question, to adapt, to even transform.

What are you doing? What could you be doing? How are you meant to show up in the world? Is there something you’re meant to work through to prepare yourself to show up even more strongly when the opportunity arises?

It will set you up for possible explosive productivity and return.

Invitation: Embrace the rest this season may be calling you into and trust that productivity will ensue.

This is part of a series. I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. In April, I provided a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Since then, these lessons have been weekly. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

Are you sick and tired of the same four walls? Sick and tired of the arguments and struggles with your family members? Sick and tired of others telling us what to do? Sick and tired of not being able to eat what we want? Sick and tired of not being able to go outside?

You know who understands this well? Prison residents!! And you know what they do? They break out of prison!!!

Now, let’s be clear. I am NOT speaking about breaking out of physical prison, of being defiant of laws and constraints imposed on us. Prison residents teach us that doing so has severe consequences. So, take action in this direction only when you are fully ready to accept responsibility for those consequences.

But this is not what I’m talking about.

I’m not talking about breaking free from the constraints imposed on us.

I’m talking about breaking free from the constraints we’ve imposed on ourselves!

Many prison residents have told me, in exact words: “Mariette, don’t worry about me. I’m a free man.” And yet they have life-long sentences of staying confined behind those prison walls…

A magical moment I adore is when prison residents - or any of us on the outside - uncover their brilliance, meaning their essence, their spirit, their God-given gifts. It liberates their spirit! Something in them breaks open, finally allowed to express itself and show up.

Why does this show up? Because they finally made the choice to live a different, more wholesome lifestyle.

Why this different lifestyle? Because they finally realize that they indeed have a choice. They have the choice between living confined or living free. This is a choice we all have, regardless of our circumstances.

Why are they able to make this choice? Because they finally recognize that they deserve to be free.

Each and every single one of us deserves to be free. It’s time we realize this!

When you give yourself permission to deserve, you are more joyous, generous, loving, collaborative, easeful, peaceful and other qualities I’ve wished for. On top of this, your kids finally get the parent that is more whole, more present, more capable of providing what they most need. Your relationship with your spouse becomes more peaceful and balanced. At work, your colleagues finally see your brighter work outputs.

This is why you deserve to be free!

Invitation: You deserve to be free. So take the time to claim this for yourself. You deserve it. And allow this to motivate you to break free from the prison of your own making.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

When we come together with a new team of prison residents, we set agreements defining the space we wish to hold as well as our behaviors for ourselves, individually and collectively. Within the first few weeks of meeting as a team (three hours a week), the prison residents test our - the outside volunteers’ - own commitment to these agreements. (Just like we’re tested by our kids, our spouses, our colleagues…)

They want to see if we’re walking our talk. Because each of us in the Circle made an individual commitment to live by the collectively-defined agreements.

Within three or so short weeks, they realize that we are committed to these agreements and are doing our best to live into our agreements. This gives them permission to start shifting their behaviors. With an additional two to three weeks, we have completely different team dynamics.

As we walk our talk, we receive two gifts.

First, it creates a safer space. As we walk our talk, it reinforces the boundaries we’ve articulated and agreed up. This lack of misalignment between our thoughts, words and actions removes any ambiguity in the boundaries. And this creates safety.

This matters because safety is fundamental if you wish for your household, your team or any other group to be creative and innovative (which this time definitely needs). Safety is also fundamental to creating a space in which people can change and adapt (which we need in this time). Therefore, walking our talk is so important in this season of confinement.

Second, when I walk my talk and talk my walk, it invites me to continuously bring my thoughts, words and actions into greater alignment. Since we’re human beings, our thoughts, words and actions are constantly aligned. And that’s OK. Now that we have a safe space, our household or team can come together and support each other in realigning everyone’s respective thoughts, words and actions.

This mutual support and mirroring of our words and actions only works when done within a safe space, with dignity, respect and love instead of any blame or condemnation.

As I get mirrored back the places and times I’m not in full alignment, it enhances my integrity. And the huge power of that is when I live more deeply in integrity, relationships become more peaceful and productive. Because I and others are really clear about where I stand and how I wish to move through the world. When I know this about myself and everyone else around me, it makes dynamics, interactions, conversations and relationships easy.

Invitation: Walk your talk to enable a deeper alignment between your thoughts, words and actions. After experimenting with yourself, invite groups in which you’re involved into this experimentation. You will love what you experience when you have that deeper alignment between your thoughts, words and actions!

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.