Do you remember this guy?

Many of you will remember Billy.  You were there when he closed the first TEDxDonovanCorrectional event in May 2017.  Sweating bullets due to the intense heat we unexpectedly had that day, he delivered his TEDx talk “Rediscovering hope through self-forgiveness”.

What you may not know is that the talk you heard in person or online was only a fraction of his talk.  He unknowingly skipped about ¼ of it.  After speaking of his brother’s murder in retaliation for Billy’s actions and Billy’s subsequent murdering of Jimmy, he was supposed to speak about the accidental death of his beloved cousin Yohun.  The two of them were sitting on their grandmother’s porch and Billy was spinning a gun on his finger.  The gun went off and the bullet killed Yohun, who died in Billy’s arms.  With the death of both his brother and his cousin, the need – and challenge – of self-forgiveness became apparent.

Billy didn’t realize he had skipped the part about Yohun until after the TEDx event.  I wondered how he was going to respond to this.  With anger and shame for having missed this important part and “dishonoring” the memory of Yohun?  With understanding and acceptance that it happened exactly as it was meant to?  Seeing what didn’t happen or seeing what did?

It wasn’t until the following Tuesday that I had a chance to speak to him about it.  Billy came up to me and said “Mariette, I skipped the part about Yohun.”  “I know.  What did you feel when you realized this?” Billy answered: “This is Yohun’s way of saying ‘it’s time to let go.’”

Oh wow.  Not only had Billy accepted the fact that he hadn’t delivered the talk he had been preparing for four months, he also received the insight from this miss.  Billy had seen that there is a gift in our challenges.  When things don’t go our way, we have a choice to see the lack in what didn’t happen or to see the abundance in what did.

Shortly after his TEDx talk, Billy was transferred to another prison.  Which, per prison rules, cut off any contact with him.  This is one of the hardest things about prison: the ripping apart of relationships that have been built over months and years, often without forewarning or ability to say good-bye.

As suddenly as he’d “disappeared,” Billy “reappeared” a few weeks ago – almost six years after I last saw him – after a judge resentenced him to the 33 years of time served with no parole.  Within days of his release, I had the privilege of getting a message from him.  Then a phone call.  Then FaceTime.  

My heart skipped a beat when I saw him.  I walk this funky tight rope of continuously holding many of the folks from our circle in my heart, while simultaneously releasing if or when I may see them ever again.  Any time my heart aches to know how they’re doing, I send them love, trusting they’re supported, right where they’re at.

I even had my first hug with Billy within a week, as I had a trip planned to LA.  The first hug is one of my favorite parts of the journey.  I finally get to express, with physical action, the pent-up care and love of years of relationship.

Billy also learned in our conversations that his talk has been seen online by over 146,000 people.  With the hindsight of six years, it’s easy to see the gifts received and created by Billy.  Billy’s strength was to see the gift in his “failure” of his incomplete delivery of his TEDx talk.

Invitation to bring this into your life: Next time you find yourself reeling from your “failure,” from “missing the mark,” from “how could I be so stupid” or any other form of self-condemnation and blame, invite yourself to see the abundance in what did happen instead of the lack in what didn’t.  The gift is there, even if you cannot see it right away.  Yes, this may require a bit of trust, but that trust weighs a lot less than self-destruction.

A couple Fridays ago, I learned that an uncle had been killed by an intoxicated driver.  As I sat with the sadness that filled me, I felt a deeper sadness behind that for my uncle, his family and friends.

In addition to the pain of the unnecessary loss of an innocent (and wildly giving) life, I felt the heavy burden of the instantaneous increase in hurt in the world.  This one split-second act created a massive increase in pain and wounding, some of which may even be internalized as trauma by any number of people, close to or far from my uncle.

This saddens me.  Because, as stated in one of the greatest lessons I’ve received in prison: hurt people hurt people.  Any hurtful action today is the expression of an unhealed wound of yesterday.  This simple concept explains why the prison members of our team are in prison.  They committed their actions – sometimes quite horrendous ones – because they were acting out the unfathomable pain trapped inside, created by past pain, wounding and trauma.

So, if left unsupported and unhealed, the already-significant amount of hurt created through my uncle’s death has the potential to fester into future acts of hurt and pain.  This may not lead to criminal behavior, but it may lead to bitterness, resentment, anger, irritability, isolation, retaliation, etc.  And these can snowball, even years from now, into larger challenges and consequences… at home, at work, with our judicial system.  

It’s this cycle of violence I feel called to heal.
This is why I stand so strongly in healing our wounds and hurt.

I wish for all people who internalized pain and wounding around my uncle’s death to mourn the loss fully and then, if and when they choose, to gently and self-compassionately find their peace and healing.  It doesn’t change the circumstances of his death; it doesn’t change the gaping hole left in anyone’s life.  It does – in the right timing – surround that void with peace, love and celebration.

I know firsthand – not just that this is possible – but also the peace, joy and liberation that stems from this journey.  Some of you may remember the healing I experienced after my cousin’s murder several years ago.  Plus, I’m now blessed to conduct this work of alignment, connection and restoration weekly with folks inside – and outside – prison.  And I witness the healing within them.

I personally find that this restorative healing – and its subsequent peace, joy and freedom – to be such a stronger legacy for my uncle.  Particularly since (but not because) his dreams for retirement included creating spaces of support for the disenfranchised.

Invitation to bring this into your life: What legacy are you creating? Are you willing to join this journey of transforming pain into healing? Next time you hurt someone, take a moment to feel the hurt within you – without blame or condemnation – and then to transform that hurt into the healing you and everyone around you deserves.

“Dude, that guy is actually quite cool.”  This was said by Charlie, with his now usual twinkling eyes, in a closing circle this past month.  We end each of our 3-hour sessions together with a closing circle, a time of self-reflection, to capture our greatest insights and/or celebrations.

In this closing circle, Charlie had expressed gratitude for the fact that our space is so uncompromisingly focused on the uncovering, igniting and expression of brilliance.  In his reflection, he recognized how this constant commitment to brilliance invites him into a radically different way of being, which has changed the way he sees and interacts with others and his circumstances.

While once keeping others at a distance, Charlie says “I now see his light more than his faults.”

The other person didn’t change.  Charlie did.

When Charlie joined our circle, like so many, he was hiding, which he did so behind sunglasses and through a veil of marijuana.  In the loving, trust-filled space of our circle, Charlie chose to release the stories about whom the world had told him he was, to uncover the light he’d always carried within him and to start letting it shine through him.  Today, Charlie is a source of wisdom and grounding for our team.  He’s often the first to remind us of our values and our commitments.  “We’re about loving people,” he repeats.

This wasn’t meant to be a post about Charlie’s journey (though I’m glad that I also share this with you).  What moves me even more than Charlie’s choice and commitment to transform is the way he now radiates this way of being – this brilliance that was always within him – in his interactions and circumstances.

Charlie is now more deeply connected and aligned to his own brilliance.  It creates this deep rootedness in his own self-assurance.  Others’ thoughts, comments, stabs or criticisms no longer affect him or destabilize him like they once did.

Charlie now sees light in people before seeing their faults.  He recognizes that they, just like him, are doing the best they can.  This opens up the opportunity for collaboration and co-creation.  It truly is amazing when our “enemies” become collaborators.

Charlie no longer believes he can be taken down by circumstances; he trusts he can rise above them.  He embraces the growth opportunity in the challenges that cross his path (including being unwillingly and unknowingly transferred to another yard).

Charlie has an uncanny ability to stand for what he believes in – even when it means going against the grain – with more power than force, with more conviction than manipulation.

Very clear to all of us, Charlie is now more free, more peaceful, more joyful, more loving, more aligned, more anchored… As he continues to step more deeply into these, his authority, credibility and influence grow exponentially.

I humbly wish this for every single one of us. So, this month’s invitation to bring this into your life:

• How will you allow Charlie to inspire you to also see that "dude, that guy is actually quite cool"?

• What step will you take towards further uncovering, igniting and expressing your brilliance?

Soon closing out her gap year, Yahna chose to give her time to the folks inside Donovan and has been behind the scenes, creating the structure for the next iteration of programs that we are launching inside those walls. Thank you Yahna for all that you do, from Colorado and during your visits to Donovan!

Below is a reflection written after Yahna’s second time coming to California to visit Donovan:

My name is Yahna Layton, and I have been a Brilliance Inside volunteer for about 6 months. Despite living out of state, I have been privileged to join Mariette inside Donovan prison twice and learn more about the brilliance that undoubtedly connects those of us outside with those still inside. 

Last Tuesday, the Alpha yard circle worked towards expanding the team with new members. Its main goal was to read applications and select the applicants to interview. One team member, Joe, expressed uncertainty on his ability to determine when someone is truly prepared to ignite and express their brilliance.

It turns out a past experience still weighed heavily on him. Joe had previously encouraged a friend to apply into our circle. This friend quickly showed signs of resistance to the work or to aligning with the circle’s agreements. We collectively made the tough decision that this was not the right time for this friend to be in our circle. Shortly thereafter, this friend overdosed and nearly lost his life.

As he had taken upon himself to support this person, Joe felt responsible for the choices made by his friend. The more I thought about this, the more I wondered if Joe’s uncertainty was really about others' preparedness to be in brilliance or if instead it veiled his guilt around past porous boundaries.

In any healthy relationship, our primary responsibility is to express our needs and desires openly and honestly. In his communication with his friend, Joe controlled what and how he shared, but he was not responsible for his friend's reactions or their outcomes.

I recognize this in my own life too. In many friendships, I staked out my own boundaries and then felt guilty when the person became defensive. I wanted to create a space of love for myself and the other person, which at times required distance; however, all that they saw was a shut door on the relationship. I continue to learn that letting the anticipation of guilt override the needed honesty is ultimately a disservice to both of us.

Although the outcome of another person’s choices is not a fault of our own, it can feel as if the space we created led them to make these decisions. As Joe had invited his friend to join the circle, he believed he had set his friend up for failure…and his overdose.

The problem with this way of thinking is that it leaves no room for the other person’s autonomy and ability to make a choice.

In discussing this with the folks inside, we came to this point of agreement: by sharing honestly when boundaries of a relationship are being crossed, we are better able to release the guilt that can amass from another's lack of communication. Ultimately, we are responsible for firmly sharing our boundaries and intentions with others and for releasing the idea that we are in control of the outcome.

In most relationships, we seek ever greater rapport and trust.  A series of events this month got me thinking about how quickly we can rebuild trust when it’s been damaged, and its impact on the affinity felt. And how, for once, it’s actually within our control.

First, what builds trust in a relationship?  This actually has a one-sentence answer:  My trust for you grows when I am uplifted into my brilliance.  Specifically, this looks like

1. Honoring and respecting my boundaries – meaning my desires, my needs, my values, my thoughts, my words, etc. – no matter what

2. Communicating your needs, desires and boundaries clearly and wholesomely.  This gives me clear guidance and reduces possible ambiguity and subsequent assumptions (another relationship killer, right there)

3. Taking responsibility when boundaries are broken (because the more intimate the relationship, the more often this happens).  This tender communication is best done with openness, humility, remorse and transparency, moving through the points below.  It is not justification for or explanation of what happened

4. Exhibiting these behaviors towards others.  When I observe this, it increases my trust towards you

Two people, in the same timeframe, broke trust by disrespecting important boundaries; they both “lost trust points,” for lack of better verbiage. 

The difference between them came in their response.  One came back towards me and

• Recognized that he had overstepped a boundary

• Expressed understanding and remorse for the hurt created

• Shared how he intended to change his actions in the future

• Asked for forgiveness

The second person did not.

I feel the difference in openness and trust I now have for these two folks.  While the first person’s initial actions were technically more degrading and demeaning, it is reconciled and behind me, thanks to his expression of understanding and apology.  For the second, I don’t yet fully trust that he’s understood and will do his best to avoid this overstep in the future.  Therefore, it’s harder to be open.

As for the rest of us:

The more I trust, the closer in I allow a person.
The less I trust, the further away I keep a person.

Therefore, we achieve greater closeness and intimacy in a relationship by increasing the trust the other person feels towards us.  And, lucky for us, building this trustworthiness is within our control and is done through the steps above.

Enjoy building greater trust and rapport in your relationships. At home, at work, at the grocery store.

As the previous post mentioned, as our Alpha yard team planned their “Walk & Roll” Ukraine support event held of November 29th, it was essential that the yard’s support extend beyond financial, to include emotional and psychological support through letters for the people of Ukraine (of which you can read a few in the gallery below).

In our first conversations, it became apparent that several of them had a level of relatability with the plight of the people of Ukraine that we non-prison-folks can forget.  A good number of prison residents grew up and lived in drug- and gang-infested areas – which can resemble war zones.  They’ve seen their brothers shot and killed and heard their moms raped; they’ve had guns pointed at them and dodged bullets; guns have been placed in their hands as early at 6 years old.

So, they are able to understand and empathize with the people of Ukraine in a way that, arguably, most other Americans – other than military – cannot.  Yes, these are times when their daily burden of pain received and pain caused becomes a powerful source of inspiration for others.

There’s something magical in writing a letter to an unknown person, placing love and prayers into the act and the words.  (Try it and see for yourself…)

And there’s also something magical in the incredible network of connection between these prison writers and their ultimate Ukrainian readers.  Think about it:  the writer-to-reader journey of these letters is: the prison residents — our team for review of content — Donovan’s Public Information Officer — me, Mariette, coordinating the event and letter operation — the folks at the House of Ukraine (in Balboa Park) who agreed to manage the Ukrainian logistics — their volunteers to translate each of the 150 letters — the House of Ukraine staff for sorting and packaging the letters, accompanied by a cover letter describing the project — people flying to Ukraine — distribution to the people of Ukraine.

The fulfillment of this journey requires each person along the way to hold in sacredness and respect the love poured into the letters and the hearts this love is hoping to fill.

We are all connected.  Even across the world.  Even to folks we do not know and will never meet.

…And yet, our love and care reach them.  That’s magical.

Perseverance = quality most demonstrated by the Alpha yard team over the past year (in Mariette’s dictionary of terms)

When Donovan reopened last March, the Alpha yard folks returned to our circle with a new project idea: a support event for the people of Ukraine.  The war had been declared about a month earlier and it was all over the news.

Then… the event, originally planned for the end of May, was rescheduled to early August, then to October, then to November 29th.  The repeated disappointment and frustration of the team were palpable.  As the cancelations and postponements accumulated, the team took a step back to ask themselves if these meant that this event was not meant to happen.

Every time, they confirmed that they were committed to this event.  “The yard wants this.  We want this.  The people of Ukraine deserve this.”  This commitment was not coming from a place of force: striving to make it happen, attached to their original idea.  It was in alignment, with clarity found in reflection.

That clarity, alignment and perseverance bore fruit on November 29th when the team held their “Walk & Roll” Ukraine support event.  First, the event participants walked or rolled (there are many wheelchair-bound folks on Alpha) around the yard, encouraged by the band, granola bars, cookies and lemonade.  They had created support signs, saying things like “You are not alone” and “We stand with you” in Ukrainian.

The participants also raised $1000 for three selected nonprofit organizations that support the Ukrainian people on the ground!!  To put this amount into perspective, prison residents earn between $0.08 and $0.37 per hour.  Therefore, with an average pay of 16 cents/hour, their $1000 donation is three years of worth of salary!

For the team, it was essential that the yard’s support extend beyond financial, to include emotional and psychological support through letters for the Ukraine people.  It was an amazing sight: at any given time, three to five people were on their knees at the letter-writing table – or leaning over it – to write heart-felt letters to people we don’t know on the other side of the world.  Some letters were shorter; some more detailed about the writers’ own experience of overcoming.  Some in an English that is mainly phonetic; some in eloquent prose.  Some writers copied the phrased in Ukrainian the team had prepared.  All of the 150 letters contained an outpouring of love.

Now, the donations have headed to the respective nonprofits.  The letters are on their way to Ukraine.  We’ve received the pictures of the event to share.