Thanks Sunyu on Unsplash

A few days ago, our Peace Fellowship class was split into two teams to play a negotiation game based on the prisoner’s dilemma (for those who know it).  For three and a half hours, we debated, negotiated, managed diverse needs and beliefs and stressed at each round as we waited to see what the other team had decided to do. It was super heated, intense and rough!  And at the end, we had two main learnings:

(1) Watch out for spoilers.  The professors had planted 3 spoilers in each team who did not want the two sides to come to an agreement.  They were incentivized to make both sides lose. The other team had huge difficulty managing their spoilers who almost derailed the outcome for them.

(2) Despite our belief that hawks (aggressive behavior) always wins, our team’s dove behavior (building trust for a win-win outcome) actually put us in a position of total control of the game at the end.

Explanation:  Towards the middle of the game, the other team acted like a hawk while we remained doves throughout the game.  The game was structured in such a way that it was impossible to win the game without a strategic alliance with the other team in the last two rounds. In round 9, the two sides had to let one team win first and then, in round 10, the two sides had to let the other team win.  Because we had had consistent trusting behavior and they had proven that they could not be fully trusted, we were able to demand that the other team let us win first.  (Which they did.) In the final round of the game, we had complete control and power to allow them to win with us or to have them lose.  (We allowed them to win with us.)

Trust and collaboration, even in extremely tense scenarios, creates winning outcomes.

Thanks Drew Farwell

I arrived in Bangkok a week ago and, accepted out of 1500 applicants to the Rotary Peace Fellowship, I'm here for three months.  It's a phenomenal opportunity to study peace, its theories, tools and structures with 21 fellow Fellows from 18 different countries and with an average of 20 years experience in the world's diverse conflict and peace situations.

I’m pinching myself, realizing I was almost not here to experience the magic we’re already receiving.  I was actually going to refuse this priceless offer.  And then, the exact reason I was going to say “no” became the reason I had to say “yes.”

Let me explain.  My whole life, I’ve believed what many have told me:  anything worth having cannot be easy.  I’ve been the salmon swimming upstream, believing that going with the flow was for weaklings.  And, admittedly, by many measures, I’ve been successful.

The entire Peace Fellowship discovery, application, interview and acceptance process was easeful.  One of my brilliant volunteers, Cynthia, told me about the Fellowship and I thought “sounds interesting; I’ll apply” even though I had never seen my work as peace building (how wrong I was).  I wrote the application in one sitting, it flowing from my fingertips effortlessly.  Answering the thought-provoking interview questions on human and societal transformation asked by five high-ranking Rotary leaders, I felt at ease.  I was asked to speak at a local Rotary Club and that also was full of ease.

So, when I was accepted into the Peace Fellowship, I’ll admit that I thought that this must not be worthwhile since the entire process had been so easeful.

And that’s when it hit me.  There is a fundamental difference between easy and easeful.  While worthy work requires courage and action, it is a lie to believe that it has to be difficult.  The opposite is actually true:  When we are aligned with our brilliance – our God-given unique purpose and gifts – then experiences are easeful, joyous and in harmony.

The “hard” work is in getting into and maintaining alignment with our brilliance.  As well as taking courageous action towards it.  After that, the best indicator that we’re on the right path is actually its easefulness.

The journey might not be easy, but it happens easefully.  And here is all the nuance.  And, as soon as I realized this, I realized that the easefulness of my Fellowship application process was actually the exact reason to say “YES!”

Annie in her pottery studio

I received a long text from Annie Lockee a few days after she came to Donovan prison with us. She speaks to the prison residents…

I sent a quick text to Mariette sharing that, though I had many feelings about my experience on Tuesday, I couldn't elaborate further because I needed to process. She then, in true Mariette fashion, responded by encouraging me to write a blog post! And gave me a deadline!… I said no. And guess who won? We both did.

She knew I needed to write about this.

The reason I didn’t have much to say at first wasn't due to lack of connection or feeling.  You all made an impact and when I write "you” I speak to each man individually and directly, realizing it might be demoralizing to be constantly lumped into a group, being an inmate.  We are human and want to shine as individuals, yet we rarely get a chance to, even out here in the free world. Much suffering comes from humans clawing their way to positions of power to feel recognition as individuals.

So, it was inspiring to see between all of you this warm dynamic, shared with true words and silent presence,  of a lifting up of individuals that coincided with the sacred nature of honoring the wholeness of the group.

Yes, the reason I didn't report much at first was because I had so many feelings and ideas and , at first, worries bubbling up, forcing me to think about what you might be feeling every day. And much of it was at odds with what I actually witnessed.

It was painful to imagine you feeling endlessly resigned and discouraged.  I thought about how demoralizing the truth of your situation might be when you look directly at vulnerable moments when the reality sneaks up on you. You are smart and have lots of time to think and this is hard.

But as I reflected I was also met with something else. Your individual spirits and your collective energy and how they weaved together is pure.

You are worthy of this hard work and there’s nothing more worthwhile than digging deep inside to uncover the truth in ourselves that makes us more connected.

The words I heard you speak aloud to each other were from an authentic place. Purposeful! Inspiring!

I recognized thriving where I thought I would feel only loss.

Where I thought there’d be discouraged men resigned to let life pass by, I saw boundless courage, men signing up to participate fully.

Thank you for the warm welcome and please keep up the heart-opening work.

I hope this extends inside those walls to reach more men as the tendrils and roots of this deep growth have already spread farther than you know!

I will do my part to share what I have learned from you. Our whole world is better for it.️ <3 <3 <3

Today, during our New Year's Eve celebration, we experienced the challenge of self-love and self-celebration.

I shared with our Tuesday group a new year's practice that's now my tradition.  In the last couple of days of December, I reflect on the lessons and successes of the past year.  And then, on New Year's Day, I create my vision board capturing my intentions for this upcoming year.

Considering our time constraints, I invited each team member to share one key lesson they'd learned in the past year.  One man had his eyes locked on the bottom hem of his shirt, twisting his hands in his lap.  Impossible for him to express a lesson, even the smallest one.  Impossible for him to share any celebration of himself.

If you take a second right now to do this practice for yourself, you'll realize the self-love that this reflection requires.  It takes self-awareness to recognize who we were a year ago.  It takes courage to recognize who we are today.  It takes a heap of self-love to jump over all the things we did not do, our failures and our let-downs, to acknowledge for ourselves the growth we’ve allowed to take place within ourselves.

This man was still stuck in a hole of self-loathing, unable to recognize his light, his growth and the gifts he provides to the world.  After a loving nudge, a quiet safe space held by all present and some more hand contortions, he blurted "I've been a good son" just to get out of his misery.

And from there, I invited the rest of the team to offer their perspectives on his growth, the lessons he’s exhibited and taught them, and the gifts he’s provided.  The man was showered with recognition, with the love of his fellow residents.

While he was not able to love himself enough to jump over the chasm of destructive self-talk, the team was there to build a bridge.

Just like our team, take a moment this week to reflect on how much you’ve grown this past year.  And when it’s hard to recognize your own brilliance, allow yourself to love yourself through this vulnerable process.  And then celebrate this love and your self-acknowledged brilliance!

When I first became involved with Brilliance Inside, I was a shell of a man.  I was a broken, nihilistic heroin addict who had no self-esteem and no hope for the future.  My existence was a miserable self-destructive myopia that seemed to be going nowhere.  I not only had no hope for the future, but no plans and no desire to create any.  I was content to waste away into nothing. I was completely detached from reality, from humanity, from responsibility and from myself.  I didn’t know who I was, and I had not the slightest idea of what I’d just signed up for.

The compassion, wisdom and nurturance of this organization’s members were so foreign to me that, initially, I was horrified by these people.  I didn’t know how to deal with individuals to whom love and kindness were second nature, from whom intention and competence palpably radiated.  It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before.  Brilliance Inside went on to ignite change in me in ways which I find it difficult to even attempt to express.  It only took a few months of their influence to make me realize that the way I was living was unacceptable.  I had a shift in heart so intense that at the time, I didn’t understand what was happening to me.  Looking back on it now, the best way I can describe it is this:  I wanted to be a person again.

Diving headfirst even more deeply into their program has, undoubtedly, been the most rewarding experience of my life.  These people created an environment in which I felt safe enough to face the darkest depths of my past, to be open and vulnerable about things that I thought I would take to my grave.  They taught me what it means to have healthy relationships, to care about myself, to love.  They showed me that every person on the planet has brilliance inside of them just waiting to be illuminated.  They’ve helped me to heal more than I ever thought I could, to become a man who is often unrecognizable to myself and others.  But perhaps most importantly, they showed me what it means to be human.

Today, I haven’t touched heroin in 2 ½ years.  I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I’m continuing to learn and grown more every day, trusting in the fact that I am loved and that all people, regardless of who they are and what they’ve done, are worth of love as well.

Now, I’m actively participating in more rehabilitative programs than I ever have time for.  I’m setting goals and achieving them on a regular basis and working every day towards my ultimate goal of being released and having a positive impact on society.  I volunteer as a guitar player in four different bands as well as the church worship service.  I make a conscious effort to be friendly to everyone (even the people whom I don’t care for), and I frequently find myself daydreaming about all of the ways I want to change the world.  I see now that I have value, that I have a gift inside of me to bring to humanity, and the innumerable ways in which I can do that are an endless source of inspiration.

I am eternally grateful.  I wouldn’t trade my time with Brilliance Inside for anything in the world.

Photo by Hanan Hashi on Unsplash

Yesterday, I and a few other prison residents got to hold space for a 60-year-old man who has leukemia as he shared his pain and anger at how his life turned out. He expressed deep regret at the choices he made in his youth and a longing to continue to provide for his family even though he hasn't been able to even meet his grandchildren. To be able to hold space for a dying man who says he has no one else with whom to share his feelings is sacred. As he expressed embarrassment at his tears, another man told him that his tears are necessary and welcome while another told him he understands his pain because he has been there, too. It was a touching circle of support and kindness. 

There is something about witnessing this rawness and connection that makes me think, "THIS is real life," which I don't always feel outside of prison where our interactions can be more formal and careful. My time "inside," sharing the principles of Nonviolent Communication, helps me deepen my understanding of what it means to be human. I carry this wisdom with me every day. I am so grateful to be able to do this work and I thank all the forces that led me to this place. 

Sunaina, the honor is all ours. You are a precious treasure and light to us and to the residents who are blessed to participate in your Nonviolent Communication program. Thank you for your generosity and care.

Above shared by Sunaina Marquez, facilitator extraordinaire of Brilliance Inside’s Nonviolent Communication program

Thanks Picsea on Unsplash

Imagine reading a bedtime story to a bunch of convicted tough guys. At the end of our session this past Tuesday, we snuggled up - everyone on their hard, plastic chair - for a “bedtime” story as I read Kathryn Otoshi’s Zero.  Zero is empty, worthless and tries to stretch, pull and flatten to become one, eight or nine.  Suddenly, she realizes that she does have value because of her hole in the middle and, with her, all the other numbers are worth so much more.

The residents in our circle then reflected:

• Holding back tears, one shared that the last time he had been read to by a woman was at five years old… one of his happy childhood memories

• Another shared a memory about his illiterate father: as the father paid for a pizza delivery by check, he asked his young son how to spell “pizza”

• Several – dare I say, most – stated they had NEVER been read to!!

They saw the powerful insight that they are just like Zero finding their value in themselves. They also saw our Circle – which they noticed is its own zero – as the place that they can be like the story’s Seven, who edifies and empowers Zero to see the brilliance in herself.

This past Tuesday made it into my Top Five most precious moments experienced inside the Donovan walls.  To hear the residents’ tenderness and vulnerability…to feel them reconnect with the little boys they once were…for them to feel the void that had been created at that time…to provide a space in which they get to feel held and hugged by our words and our presence…for them to fill the childhood void with an adult experience of love. 

We so often tout the tangible resilience-building skills, as well as the marketable and leadership tools, gathered in organizing the TEDx event.  Those are critical to a balanced individual and collective future, and we bring a weekly truckload of these lessons.  And… I’ll tell you, the participants’ metamorphosis to greater humanity, love and connection takes place most immediately in these moments of tender care and attention.  In a few minutes of tender bedtime story reading, we released more pain, abandonment and neglect than some of these residents may have ever released.

Thank you.  For you make possible these deeply humanizing, healing, loving and transformative moments, such as being read a “bedtime” story.