Margit Boyesen came to Tuesdays at Donovan twice over a 6-week period. Outside of prison, she’s a elementary school teacher as well as the founder of the Beautiful We project, in which she featured Mariette a few weeks ago. You’ll enjoy her poetic descriptions of her experience inside.

Thanks Marco Savastano on Unsplash!

We all need a circle. A place to belong, to have a voice and to be heard. It’s increasingly difficult in our society to find a place where we’re a vital part of a small group, part of a circle to share what’s happening in our lives with a group of people who care about what we have to say. Truly care. I’ve had the privilege of sitting in such a circle as part of several spiritual retreats over the years. And now also at Donovan State Prison in San Diego.

Sitting in the circle inside Donovan was a profoundly moving experience for me. In the circle of 14 men and five volunteers on this particular Tuesday afternoon, there were a variety of ages, races and demeanors. A few of the men in the circle could have been on the cover of GQ—such handsome faces and hair more carefully styled than mine will ever be. Others spoke so eloquently and with such passion, that within their words I forgot I was in prison in a circle of inmates.  That is, until my eyes wandered back to the word ‘prisoner’ printed down their dark blue pant legs. The man who’d maybe lived the most years in the group spoke words that rang so true, not just in this circle, but on the outside as well: Everybody wants to be seen and understood. It rings true in my classroom, amongst staff and neighbors, and in my family.

And it’s what Brilliance Inside brings to the circle; a chance for each person who chooses to participate to have a place to be seen, heard and come to terms with his or her humanity. One of the men in the circle with a particularly calm and gracious demeanor shared that the health issue he’s been facing, which almost claimed his life, was actually a ‘blessing in disguise.’ In the world outside, it seems only the most evolved people—health gurus and spiritual leaders—speak of personal travesty as a blessing. It takes deep introspection and self-reflection to see a life-threatening condition as a blessing. Yet, in this space, this man in this circle shares his insight, his personal growth and why this transformation is so important to him. Another man, one of the younger ones, addressed the group by saying, “This circle cultivates an environment a safe space, where I can receive.” When was the last time you truly received from someone who held space for your personal development? I think we all want a sacred circle, a safe space, to be heard, to learn and to receive. The same inmate that had shared about his health issue also shared that he tries to give everyone the type of respect that he wants to receive from others. Then one of the more senior members of the group shared yet another pearl of wisdom: “I wish I’d listened more to old people when I was younger.” Our elders do hold power in their wisdom, a truth that—if held with higher esteem and given more time and attention—would help society tremendously.

For all of us, when we become disconnected from each other, from the seemingly separate parts of society, it’s so much easier to lash out, to blame, to commit perpetrations against each other than when we are seen, loved and accepted. And we’ve all—all of us, you and I— committed murder in our lives. We’ve all lashed out with murderous words, hateful actions, and intentions that could kill. I think it’s time for us to see the men in this circle, and in prisons, not as “those people,” but as a reflection of ourselves. All of us have been out of control at some point in our lives in one way or another because we were hurting inside. The bully in the school yard who isn’t seen, understood or given attention at home. The angry husband who yells and hits his wife and children because he wasn’t taught the skill of honoring his own feelings as a child. The recluse who uses illegal internet chatrooms as a desperate way to feel connected because he’s isolated physically and emotionally. But in this circle, inside Donovan, the men who choose to participate are provided with tools for love and healing and rehabilitation; and when they are done, they are a completely different person than when they started. A person who can go forward—on the inside or outside—and pass along healing, can show others that there is a different way. Our prison systems are in dire need of reform and what I saw and heard on that particular Tuesday afternoon, without a doubt, needs to be part of the reform.

But don’t take my word for it; go sit, listen, and feel the power of the circle for yourself.

Thanks Eddie Kopp on Unsplash

Since I’ve started the Peace Fellowship, I’ve been surprised by how much we speak about the symptoms of conflict.  “Why,” I asked a while ago.

-       So that we can understand the disease.

-       And why do we need to understand the disease?

-       So that we can define a treatment.

I see the same thing at Donovan:  The prison system measures negative incidents – rule violations, assaults on officers, self-harm events…, i.e. the “disease” – and of course looks to reduce these.  And maybe most of us spend a lot of our energy reducing negative effects.  In this paradigm, success is measured by the reduction, or ideally elimination, of conflict and violence.  Which, for the curious among you, I learned is called “negative peace.”

But, let’s think about it, achieving this goal of reduction of violence doesn’t actually create a peaceful, respectful, dignified, health-full space.  It simply means people are no longer hurting themselves and each other in the measured ways.

What if, instead of focusing on the disease, we define a wholesome, fulfilling, healthy life and work towards this vision?  This, in turn, is called “positive peace,” defined by the Institute for Economics and Peace (IEP) as “the attitudes, institutions and structures that create and sustain peaceful societies.”  And it turns out, it’s how we run our programs.  In our Brilliance Inside spaces, we define the world in which we wish to live – its norms, values and codes of conduct – and, from there, we work every day so that all of our thoughts, words and actions align with this vision.  Since our goal is well-being and wholeness, the reduction of violence is a necessary consequence and happens effortlessly on the way to our greater vision of wholeness.

From my experience, this approach produces more well-being, joy, community and – as has been proven multiple times in our programs – incredible innovation and all the qualities of a high-performance team.

So, in your life, do you focus on reducing the negative (negative peace) or on growing towards a positive (positive peace)?  While it’s usually harder work, I invite each of you to experiment with defining a peak state, explore what conditions and way of being create this, and then work towards this.  This can be done even at a small scale:  explore the difference between preventing yourself from eating “bad” foods and then allowing yourself to create the meal that makes you feel well and whole.  See which one motivates you more, brings you more joy, and creates greater and more sustainable success.

Our weekly experiences in Donovan give me a hunch into the outcome of your experiments.

Sawadee-ka Mariette!  Hello from Thailand again.  Where, yesterday, I had a delicious lunch at the Chiang Mai Women Correctional Institution Vocational Training Center!!!

Every morning, 35 prison residents - with varying length of sentences - and 5 prison guards travel the 10 km from the institution to a quaint, wooden house in the center of old Chiang Mai (Thailand's 2nd largest city), surrounded with tropical lusciousness.  Here, they cook and serve breakfast and lunch, as well as provide body and foot massages, as part of a rehabilitative program started by a forward-seeing prison Warden.

These prison residents' environment has no walls, no bars, no barbed wire.  Simply an opportunity to be treated with dignity while they learn a trade to exercise upon release.  As the program brochure says, "The [training] courses [...] build a foundation for good services, coupled with rigorous training.  This is the art and science of empowering those who used to think of themselves as unimportant."

This, coupled with a number of Thai massage places throughout town employing ex-prisoners, provides a sustainable journey out of prison for these women.  I celebrate this model built on similar values we exhibit in our programs:  to provide the character- and resilience-building skills needed to thrive upon release, as well as an environment in which the general public can engage with, learn from and receive services by prison residents, breaking through misconceptions and stereotypes.

Of course, my mind is wizzing with ideas I'd love to bring back to California.  There is so much potential when we let go of our idea of prison as only punitive punishment to step into a vision of prison as a space of healing, amends, learning and growth for a better future for all.  What would you wish to create that reflects this Chiang Mai experience?

I leave the last word to the program brochure again:  "They [prison residents] now have been inspired to grow past their mistakes using the given opportunities and finally make their dreams come true.  The knowledge will help them sustain themselves and their families, ultimately benefiting society in the long run."

Let's continue our work to bring this to California and the US!

Paula Shaw started coming in weekly with our team recently and was hooked at her very first visit.

Thanks Tim Marshall on Unsplash

I never cease to be amazed at how well the prison residents treat each other and allow each resident to speak his truth without judgement or criticism. They give new meaning to the words supportive, encouraging and affirming.  It’s just plain beautiful.

I remember the first time a discussion took a turn, with two differing opinions about the direction we should go as we develop the study guide to the Writing After Life book. Having facilitated a lot of therapy groups, l have seen people nearly come to physical blows over two differing strong opinions. I prepared myself to be ready to intervene if the discussion got too heated or emotional, but that preparation never needed to be implemented. What transpired awed and surprised me. 

All of the residents sat quietly and attentively as the two men expressed their feelings about why they felt their direction was the better one. As each man spoke, the other listened without protest or interruption. Each one expressed his feelings calmly and articulately while the rest of the men listened in a measured, calm fashion. There were no hurt or irritated feelings expressed. They just listened to each other with respect. I have never seen anything like it in all of my years of doing therapy. And as if that wasn’t impressive enough, when we gathered for our Closing Circle they complemented each other for expressing their truths. And then the other residents acknowledged and affirmed both of them. It was the way you dream a processing group will behave but rarely, or never, does it happen that way.

They truly are some of the brightest, kindest, most compassionate, spiritual, supportive, sensitive people that I have ever known or observed, inside prison or outside in the world.

Although they live in circumstances that most of us would find unbearable, they take college courses, study the Bible, do emotional processing groups, write, meditate, pray, exercise and a plethora other activities, to better their lives and become positive role models to others. These men, many of whom are Lifers, still find things to learn, to be grateful for and to do to help themselves and others. In addition, they are the most amazingly positive, funny, delightful beings you would ever want to encounter. I am not kidding when I say that they make Tuesday my favorite day of the week. 

The Donovan residents we work with are not typical of the prison population but they are living, shining examples of what is possible when we stop labeling and punishing people who have made bad choices; and instead offer them programs that really help them to rehabilitate, and find the true self that they were born to be, not the self that society, adversity and poor choices created.

Thank you, gentlemen, for what you teach me every week.

Thanks Sunyu on Unsplash

A few days ago, our Peace Fellowship class was split into two teams to play a negotiation game based on the prisoner’s dilemma (for those who know it).  For three and a half hours, we debated, negotiated, managed diverse needs and beliefs and stressed at each round as we waited to see what the other team had decided to do. It was super heated, intense and rough!  And at the end, we had two main learnings:

(1) Watch out for spoilers.  The professors had planted 3 spoilers in each team who did not want the two sides to come to an agreement.  They were incentivized to make both sides lose. The other team had huge difficulty managing their spoilers who almost derailed the outcome for them.

(2) Despite our belief that hawks (aggressive behavior) always wins, our team’s dove behavior (building trust for a win-win outcome) actually put us in a position of total control of the game at the end.

Explanation:  Towards the middle of the game, the other team acted like a hawk while we remained doves throughout the game.  The game was structured in such a way that it was impossible to win the game without a strategic alliance with the other team in the last two rounds. In round 9, the two sides had to let one team win first and then, in round 10, the two sides had to let the other team win.  Because we had had consistent trusting behavior and they had proven that they could not be fully trusted, we were able to demand that the other team let us win first.  (Which they did.) In the final round of the game, we had complete control and power to allow them to win with us or to have them lose.  (We allowed them to win with us.)

Trust and collaboration, even in extremely tense scenarios, creates winning outcomes.

Thanks Drew Farwell

I arrived in Bangkok a week ago and, accepted out of 1500 applicants to the Rotary Peace Fellowship, I'm here for three months.  It's a phenomenal opportunity to study peace, its theories, tools and structures with 21 fellow Fellows from 18 different countries and with an average of 20 years experience in the world's diverse conflict and peace situations.

I’m pinching myself, realizing I was almost not here to experience the magic we’re already receiving.  I was actually going to refuse this priceless offer.  And then, the exact reason I was going to say “no” became the reason I had to say “yes.”

Let me explain.  My whole life, I’ve believed what many have told me:  anything worth having cannot be easy.  I’ve been the salmon swimming upstream, believing that going with the flow was for weaklings.  And, admittedly, by many measures, I’ve been successful.

The entire Peace Fellowship discovery, application, interview and acceptance process was easeful.  One of my brilliant volunteers, Cynthia, told me about the Fellowship and I thought “sounds interesting; I’ll apply” even though I had never seen my work as peace building (how wrong I was).  I wrote the application in one sitting, it flowing from my fingertips effortlessly.  Answering the thought-provoking interview questions on human and societal transformation asked by five high-ranking Rotary leaders, I felt at ease.  I was asked to speak at a local Rotary Club and that also was full of ease.

So, when I was accepted into the Peace Fellowship, I’ll admit that I thought that this must not be worthwhile since the entire process had been so easeful.

And that’s when it hit me.  There is a fundamental difference between easy and easeful.  While worthy work requires courage and action, it is a lie to believe that it has to be difficult.  The opposite is actually true:  When we are aligned with our brilliance – our God-given unique purpose and gifts – then experiences are easeful, joyous and in harmony.

The “hard” work is in getting into and maintaining alignment with our brilliance.  As well as taking courageous action towards it.  After that, the best indicator that we’re on the right path is actually its easefulness.

The journey might not be easy, but it happens easefully.  And here is all the nuance.  And, as soon as I realized this, I realized that the easefulness of my Fellowship application process was actually the exact reason to say “YES!”

Annie in her pottery studio

I received a long text from Annie Lockee a few days after she came to Donovan prison with us. She speaks to the prison residents…

I sent a quick text to Mariette sharing that, though I had many feelings about my experience on Tuesday, I couldn't elaborate further because I needed to process. She then, in true Mariette fashion, responded by encouraging me to write a blog post! And gave me a deadline!… I said no. And guess who won? We both did.

She knew I needed to write about this.

The reason I didn’t have much to say at first wasn't due to lack of connection or feeling.  You all made an impact and when I write "you” I speak to each man individually and directly, realizing it might be demoralizing to be constantly lumped into a group, being an inmate.  We are human and want to shine as individuals, yet we rarely get a chance to, even out here in the free world. Much suffering comes from humans clawing their way to positions of power to feel recognition as individuals.

So, it was inspiring to see between all of you this warm dynamic, shared with true words and silent presence,  of a lifting up of individuals that coincided with the sacred nature of honoring the wholeness of the group.

Yes, the reason I didn't report much at first was because I had so many feelings and ideas and , at first, worries bubbling up, forcing me to think about what you might be feeling every day. And much of it was at odds with what I actually witnessed.

It was painful to imagine you feeling endlessly resigned and discouraged.  I thought about how demoralizing the truth of your situation might be when you look directly at vulnerable moments when the reality sneaks up on you. You are smart and have lots of time to think and this is hard.

But as I reflected I was also met with something else. Your individual spirits and your collective energy and how they weaved together is pure.

You are worthy of this hard work and there’s nothing more worthwhile than digging deep inside to uncover the truth in ourselves that makes us more connected.

The words I heard you speak aloud to each other were from an authentic place. Purposeful! Inspiring!

I recognized thriving where I thought I would feel only loss.

Where I thought there’d be discouraged men resigned to let life pass by, I saw boundless courage, men signing up to participate fully.

Thank you for the warm welcome and please keep up the heart-opening work.

I hope this extends inside those walls to reach more men as the tendrils and roots of this deep growth have already spread farther than you know!

I will do my part to share what I have learned from you. Our whole world is better for it.️ <3 <3 <3