I told you yesterday that, after hearing the phrase “Hurt people hurt people” during a Criminals & Gangmembers Anonymous program, I wanted to test the extend of its validity. So I started experimenting on myself. And I discovered that, when I was hurting others (usually by lashing out), I was deeply hurting inside of me.

Then came this thought: If this is true for me, maybe it’s true for other people too.

So I started looking at the times that I felt hurt by others…which also happened quite regularly.

In those times, I of course felt hurt, anger and even rage raise inside me. As much as I could, I would take a step to the side from my reactions, to turn my attention to what may be happening within the other person who had hurt me. (I’ll tell you: not an easy step to take!)

It turns out: the person that had hurt me was also deeply hurting. And I even hypothesized that the hurt they were feeling was even greater than the hurt they were creating in me.

Now, if this was true in my family life, my work life, with my friends, it might be true beyond this, with folks who have hurt people in terrible ways. Yes, I went there. I spoke with the prison residents. Same goes for them! When they committed violent acts, they were deeply hurting inside too!

Now, let’s clear, this does NOT justify ANY hurtful behavior - from “simple” lashing out, all the way to murder or rape! None of these actions are excused by this statement!

But, for me, it started explaining our hurtful actions. And from here, I started to learn how I wished to respond to these situations.

Again, I’ll pause here to give you the time and the space to engage with this idea:

If it’s true that - when I’m hurting people, I feel hurt - then how true is it that, when I am being hurt by others, they are hurting?

I’ll tell you from experience that it is usually tough to step away from the hurt, anger and frustration you may be feeling in the moment. That’s OK. Simply take time later to step back into the situation and see what was going on with other person. What can you see in them that might have been hurting in them? (More guidance and hints in the video.)

Invitation: Spend the day - or however long you need - to recognize, when a person hurts you, what may be going on with them as they are hurting you. This takes a lot of self-love and empathy, so be kind to yourself as you venture into this territory.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

Well, here’s a journey on which I was not expecting to embark in this season of confinement. And yet, it makes sense. It is fundamental to our interpersonal relationships, which are being tested in these confined times. So, off we go!

Today, I share with you the greatest lesson I learned in prison. It blew my mind when I first heard it. It blew my mind for its simplicity as well as my immediate realization of the extent of its truth:

Hurt people hurt people.

That is, when people hurt others, they themselves are also hurting inside.

Curious to understand its applicability to me, I started experimenting. I first paid attention to when I was hurting others and I quickly realized that my greatest form of hurt to others is to lash out.

I then turned my attention inwardly to uncover what I was feeling in those moments of hurting others. And I’ll tell you, I was hurting inside. Sometimes, I was really hurting inside.

There’s so much more to say here but, for now, I’ll give you space to experiment with this first idea.

Invitation: Spend the day - or however long you need - to identify the ways you hurt others. And then, when you catch yourself hurting others (or as quickly afterwards as you can), pay attention to how you’re feeling inside.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

Today’s lesson is given to you by Chrys who was released from prison three years and three days ago! He was a member of our very first Core Team, the group of prison residents who organized the first TEDxDonovanCorrectional event. While in prison, he was a mentor and guide to his fellow team members and the other residents on the yard. Now, he’s being the best dad to his kids, giving them the love and life they deserve.

Here’s a bit of his mentorship for you, because he’s gone “from doing time in the ‘big house’ to doing time in [his] own big house”:

• “You might feel alone. but we all are there together. Someone is there with you and for you.”

• “I know what it feels to run out of toilet paper, ask for toilet paper and no one gives it to you. I know the feeling.”

• “Things are going to happen but we cannot control everything.”

• “This is not the time to be frustrated and be upset. It’s time to reflect. On your life, on the things you need to do. How can I be helpful? How can I make a change? What can I do? There’s plenty you can do.”

• "Don't let this [current situation] tear your life apart, on the inside, because that's what matter the most." "We're going to come out of this, but you need to come out of it in [your mind] and in [your heart."

(Plus, discover what he's doing for others during this time.)

Invitation: When you feel that you cannot change a situation or circumstances, recognize that you can change your perspective, by “coming out of it” in your mind and in your heart, like Chrys suggests. Shift one thought about your current situation and let the rest unfold.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

• When things are tough, what do you turn to?

• When things are good, what do you turn to?

• When you need a break from your current life, what do you turn to?

What you turn to is your default. And it matters because our default often governs much of our overall wellbeing.

For prison residents, defaults are often alcohol, drugs and violence.

• When things are tough, they drink away problems

• When things are good, they celebrate with drinks

• When they need a break from life, they grab a drink

Negative defaults can also be need for control, food, work…

• When things are tough —> “I have to work harder to get out of this slump”

• When things are good —> “I have to work harder to ride this great wave we’re on”

• When they need a break from life —> “I have to reply to clients’ emails”

We have countless stories of prison residents recognizing their defaults and moving to more constructive defaults. Arguably, anyone we have the pleasure of engaging is in the process of shifting his or her default. One resident has a lifestyle of alcohol, drugs, women and partying as well as the criminal behaviors which supported this lifestyle. His default was his self and his hedonic needs.

One day, he realized this default was no longer serving him and he shifted it (almost overnight, might I add) towards service to others. Every time he felt the urge to fall back to his old default, he would catch himself and redirect this to his new behavior until it became his default.

• When things are tough, he has compassion for others

• When things are good, he celebrates by sharing the goodness with others

• When he needs a break from life, he takes the focus away from himself by turning it to others.

Many prison residents credit the mentorship of this man for transforming and even saving their lives. This change was possible because he shifted his default.

Yes, when our defaults become more positive, the rest of our lives follows suit and becomes more positive as well.

Invitation: Recognize your default. Ask yourself how well it serves you. If another default would serve you better, what is one step you can take today towards this new default?

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

Imagine living 24 hours a day with another human being in a 6'x8' space. This space may be smaller than your bathroom…

This is the reality of prison residents during lockdown, which can last a few days to several months. They say that a great contributor to their wellbeing during these times is ensuring that every day they have some dedicated personal space and time, uninterrupted and totally their own and truly alone. Even when their cellie is only 2 feet away.

Some may meditate, draw or paint, read, study, write letters to their families. What they do doesn’t matter. What does matter is that this space and time be honored and respected.

Invitation: Balance out all of the “together time” by creating alone time with individual personal space for each family member. Unstructured time that can be used any way needed by the person. Each of you will be a lot saner for it.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

“I forget I’m in prison when we work together.”

We often hear this from the prison residents in our programs. That’s because, in our spaces, they focus and create something greater than themselves. It gives them purpose to galvanize their energy and creativity, and takes their attention off their confinement. They get to become more than prison residents, even if just for three hours a week.

Invitation: Take example on them and do a family project, creating something greater than yourselves. Inspiration is in the video.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.

Yesterday, you learned to set, agree upon and commit to agreements. Today, we discuss honoring and maintaining those agreements, holding yourselves accountable to them. By doing so, you treat yourself with the respect you deserve and ensure others do so as well. And this creates a space that's more peaceful, more creative, more innovative and more productive.

Here again, I turn to the prison residents for inspiration. In our spaces, we set and live up to a very high bar of agreements and commitments, such as

• We speak only from a place of dignity and respect

• We listen to everyone, without interruptions (difficult in prison!)

• We build on each other’s ideas, leveraging the improv concept of “yes, and”

• We have zero tolerance for blaming, condemning and shaming

These seem obvious on paper. But try putting them into practice. Particularly when it’s among a group of dudes who have responded to most events by pulling out a gun.

In our spaces, when someone breaks an agreement in our spaces, we respond instantly. We pause our activity to create the space for conversation. What happens next varies on the situation. In one way or another, we often create space for the person who broke the agreement to explain if he or she finds it necessary. Instead of blaming, condemning, questioning or rebutting, we listen.

When a person feels truly heard, they talk themselves into the realization of how they might have hurt someone else or themselves.

This conversation is often quick and ends with a recognition of the hurt created and even an apology. Which is huge when most folks have lived most of their lives with an attitude of “I’m right; you’re wrong.”

Within a few short weeks - knowing that we’re only together 3 hours/week - the prison residents themselves uphold and maintain the agreements, are holding each other accountable, creating the said time out and holding the space for conversation. They do so because they’ve tasted at the sense of power, creativity, innovation, collaboration and sense of team that is created.

It takes courage and humility. And maybe some trial and error.

As you hold yourself and others accountable to the agreements, you receive the respect and dignity that you deserve. That’s the point. You deserve to be treated with the dignity and respect you wish for. This comes because you hold yourself and others accountable

Invitation: Treat yourself with the respect you deserve by holding yourself and others around you accountable to the agreements you set with yesterday’s lesson. You’ll also discover the camaraderie, peacefulness, creativity and productivity this produces.

This is part of a series. You see, on April 1st, I realized that I have a unique perspective into confinement thanks to my past 4.5 years engaging several times a week with the world's leading experts on confinement: prison residents. For the month of April, I will provide a daily lesson learned in prison that will hopefully help us to survive and even thrive while confined to our homes. Go forward and back to enjoy each daily lesson.